Post by JMav/JGold/RNorth/MKarloff on Sept 24, 2016 8:07:48 GMT -5
Re-Introducing Ronnie North
“You guys wanted to talk to me?” Ronnie says as his investors stand in front of him, meeting with him on-set for his new rounds of filming for his porn parody website. The website who's dedicated paid subscriber base singlehandedly (lawl masturbation joke) saved the Rec Center he and the Jew Blazer called home.
“Ronnie my bot we just don't see how we're gonna recover from IPW closing down. The 'In-me Porn Wrestling' brand was very popular because there was already brand recognition. You're tackling something very risky here. You want to do porn parodies of a wrestling company that hasn't even had it's first show.” One of his investors says.
“Yes but there are recognizable names in this company already. I mean, people may not know the name 'Redemption Wrestling' yet but they will still pay to see me, 'The Goo Blazer', and RC Fucker run a train on Daisy Blows. And who on Earth isn't gonna want to see Parodoxxx take a pair o'di-” Ronnie says, running a pick comb through his chest hair before he's interrupted by his coffee being handed to him by his intern.
“Fine fine. Your test results came back clean, right?” Another investor asked.
“Everyone keeps asking me that. Why does everyone assume I've got a disease?” Ronnie says.
“Your Finisher is called the STD.”
“It stands for Sensual Takedown of Destruction. It was SUPPOSED to be the STUD or Sensual Takedown of Ultimate Destruction but they said that name was too long but yeah. Tests came back clean as always.” Ronnie says.
“We're still a bit cautious about this whole idea... perhaps if we were dealing with someone with a proven track record, but... well you've really only had the one big hit for us and it was under different circumstances.” An investor says.
“Look, I know I'm in the big leagues now but... even when I was in what people might call the little leagues I swung for the fences and rose above all the naysayers, but while other people swung for the fences with baseball bats I swung with my dick. I've shown the world that if you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day but if you give four Asian women my dong they will eat for a lifetime.” Ronnie says. His assistant has popped up behind him to dramatically wave an American flag.
“Because this my friends is America. We may not do it as weird as the Japanese or as dirty as the Germans or as terrifying and soul-crushing as the Russians but that's because we have to just settle for being the best. Plus, all those Japanese people have odd pixelated genitals.” Ronnie says.
“Sir...I don't think their genitals are actually pixelated, I think that's just how censorship wor-” Ronnie's assistant says before Ronnie puts a finger to his lips. The assistant is slightly annoyed by this as he knows exactly where that finger had been.
“The point I was trying to make is....is there anything more American than picking yourself up by your bootstraps, getting your hands dirty, and having indiscriminate sex with a lot of beautiful women on camera for money?” Ronnie says. One of the investors actually has a tear in his eyes.
“Ronnie North... you go out there and you chase that American Dream. You'll be hearing from us when the numbers come back.” an Investor says.
“I assume to congratulate me and give me a heads up so I can get a date or seven for the AVN Awards.” Ronnie says confidently.
“No Ronnie...because if you don't deliver... we are shutting you down.” An investor says before the group leaves.
“No sweat.” Ronnie says to no one in particular
-LATER-
“Right, so are you ready to film today? We've got a scene with you, Trixxxie, and Anal.” His assistant says.
“Is that really the best parody name we could come up with? I mean I know 'Angel' is all we have to go off of but really?” Ronnie says. All his assistant can offer him is a shrug.
“I'll tell the girls to get ready.” His Assistant says. Ronnie responds with a wink and the assistant leaves.
“Well here we are again. Thrown in the ring with a group of women who are going to try anything they can to get their hands on me and of course some of their boyfriends to get wicked jealous of how into me they are. I mean, last time RC and Daisy faced the two of us, RC got SO distracted by how attracted Daisy was to me that they ended up losing. That's how I'm choosing to remember that. I mean, they were already at a disadvantage as they were facing off against the greatest tag team in IPW history. The two men who had the Next Wave shaking in their boots every week. See, what's great now is that Josh and I get to move on to being the greatest tag team in the Trinity of NGW, IPW, and Alpha when we take down Aurora Knight and Damon Graves. Don't get me wrong, they are very good. They just aren't...Radical. I can assure both of them that us being a better tag team than them is nothing personal and I can assure Aurora that it will be nothing personal when I don;t call her the next day. Ronnie's a majestic Eagle that needs to be free to fly, baby.” Ronnie says, putting his open hands together and flapping them like a bird.
“Frankly, I don't see how ANYONE ELSE has a chance in this match when there are going to be four women in it all gunning to get Bone-Zoned by the Prince of Pleasure. You see the Sultan of Schwing is the kinda guy who, when four hot broads all want to jump on his jimmy, has the wherewithal to get on top before things get REALLY nasty so he at least gets the three count. I just hope the boss understands that I had no part in what his lady likely intends to do to me. I really wish I could shoulder some of the blame but I really can't be held accountable for how sexy women find me. I know Dev will understand, us being so tight and all. I mean, he's never actually spoken to me but one time I said something and he sort of nodded a little so you know, like brothers.” Ronnie says, showing us two locked pinkies that I guess represents brotherhood.
“None of you may be in my movies, but at Zero Hour? You're certainly gonna get fucked. And the money shot is gonna be when The Jew Blazer and I are standing tall holding the Redemption Wrestling Tag Titles. The Radditude Era may have hit a speed bump when IPW closed won, but you can bet that the wheels are back in motion baby, and one of those tag belts is already in motion to the hips that can't quit.” Ronnie says before pointing to his hips and offering the viewers at home a nice pelvic thrust.
