Post by Kayla Richards on Apr 27, 2017 1:41:05 GMT -5
2 Years ago.....
Undo these chains, my friend
I'll show you the rage I've hidden
Perish the Sacrament
Swallow, but nothing's forgiven
You and I can't decide which of us was taken for granted
Make amends, some of us are destined to be outlived
My hands slide up the perfect white porcelain of the bathroom sink. My fingernails stained with black nailpolish, chipped and broken, drag down the sides of it, black drips from my hands glide down the sides before dropping to the floor leaving streaks. The perfect purity of the white is now ruined. Forever stained black by the cheap hairdye I ran through my hair. I breathe deep as I slowly look up, the pain I feel as the reflection stares back hits me like a sledgehammer to the gut. My heart pounds, my eyes water, eyeliner runs down my cheeks and burns my eyes.
I deserve this pain.
I scoff and laugh, the small chuckle overtakes me, I keep crying as the laughter bellows out and grows to be infectious. The pain in my stomach pounds, my heart still races faster as the sadness somehow makes me laugh, it makes sense, it feels right. I look like her now. Everyone see's her in me anyway. Everyone compares me to her. Even the man-god who I have come to serve.
.....Serve....worship.....
The laughter stops as suddenly as it began. My cheeks now streaked with black lines down my pale skin. He called my skin beautiful. Before I can stop myself my hand reaches out to the mirror, I caress my own cheeks. All I feel is the cold glass beneath my fingertips. Maybe that's what I should be?. Maybe that is the lesson he was trying to teach me. The lesson I needed to learn as he came to me, smelling of alcohol and anger. I flash back to that night, my door opening, the whisky bottle smashing. God standing before me.....I should be....honored.....yes, Honored. What was it he said?
"I want to destroy something beautiful....."
I echo his words, words spoken as I felt his body on mine. The words he repeated as a sick mantra with each thrust. The words he whispered in my ear as I struggled. The look, the smell, he did not feel like a God, there was nothing divine about it. Nothing righteous, nothing special or powerful. It was painful, horrible and felt wrong. But then, why did I crave more?. Why did I want him?. Why did I dye my hair to look like HER?
"The one you really wanted......the one who walked away from you....."
I stare into the mirror and talk to the reflection. The woman I see, the hair, the look, the eyes and the demeanor. No longer is it me I see, no longer is it Kayla Richards. They wanted this, they wanted there to be two. They couldn't let me be myself, they couldn't just separate us. They wanted this. I tilt my head and smile before greeting my new cold, mirrored friend.
"Hello Amber....."
Broken.
That is what I am. A broken useless toy.
Once looked at a whole real human being. Now a used up husk.
Violated.
Abused.
Tainted.
This is where my life is, this is what I have become. I asked for this. I gave myself willingly.
Not to him.
Not to his ideals or his religion.
To her.
And her love.
But it’s a lie, and I fell for it……
The room was freezing and damp. My clothes still wet from being hosed down. They stuck to me, still dirty and smelling of sweat and tears. I had no idea how long I’d been in this room. A room where the air conditioning was turned up as my body stayed shivering and cold in the center, a chain attached to a dog collar around my neck.
I wanted to cry but I had no tears left. I wanted to scream. But no one would help me or hear me. The man I thought to be the only brightness in this life had walked away, concerned with another. Now I was alone. Now I was losing my soul. I had my name, but for how long?. How long until even that was taken away from me and I was then nothing?.
My name is Kayla, Kayla Richards.
I thought it over and over again. Focusing on it, searing it into my brain. Tattooing my thoughts. It has become a mantra. A chant of confidence. No one will take it away from me. Not him, with his stinking alcoholic breathe and his disgusting need for me to cry. I don’t cry anymore. Oh how it would be easier if I could. Then, then it wouldn’t hurt as much. Then it wouldn’t take as long for him to finish with me….
My name is Kayla. Kayla Richards….
The words rotated and skewed. They started to pulse in my brain and go fuzzy. Almost as if something was trying to erase them. No, they are mine. I started to shake I started to shiver. The air becomes thick and colder, my skin seems to hurt, my muscles tighten. I want to sleep, I want to stop the pain.
“Kayla…..”
A voice. So familiar. Almost the same as mine. I look up and see her. My sister. Dressed in jeans, a shirt and a leather jacket. Her smirking face and green eyes staring down at me. Just like she always does. But this can’t be real. She can’t be here.
“I told you didn’t I little sister?”
Her voice was condescending and cold. Her mannerisms portrayed the arrogance that she always has. This seemed like my dear older sister. But how?. In this cold closed off room with A man who called himself God just outside with a woman who had my love and devotion only to spit it back in my face and treat me like some kind of misbehaving pet.
“She is not your sister, your mother or your lover. She is a heartless evil person who manipulates and uses. And you. You were stupid enough to fall for the act.”
No.
“Yes. And I’m not surprised. I always knew I was the smart one.”
“NO!”
My voice rings out and echoes all around me ringing in my ears. My sister is gone. Disappeared from the dark hole in hell I now call my home. I’m losing it in here. I’m losing my sanity. Losing my personality and everything that is uniquely me. I don’t want to give in. I don’t want to be weak. But there it is. The way out. To be what she wants me to be.
Nobody.
