Post by JMav/JGold/RNorth/MKarloff on Dec 18, 2016 10:28:04 GMT -5
Ronnie North
Self Help
Self Help
“I'm never going to be a good shot...” The Jew Blazer says, pouting as he looks at a gun on the table and a flier announcing a marksman competition.
“Not with that attitude you aren't!” Ronnie says as he bursts into the room, kicking open the door.
“Ronnie I've had to fix that door so many times no-” The Jew Blazer says before Ronnie slams the door shut hard behind him and we hear several things fall off of shelves and break.
“I am going to improve the way you go about accomplishing your goals with a new method brought to you by genius entrepreneurs Silas Sub-witted, Confusing Garbage Man with Fat Child and their leader: German McGermanGerman....are you ready to follow the Black Light To Success?” Ronnie asks, holding up a self-help book with the same title.
“Am I ever! What do I have to do?” The Jew Blazer asks.
“Nothing!” Ronnie says.
“Nothing?” The Blazer asks.
“Not a thing! You just let a German guy with a hammer take care of all your problems for you!” Ronnie says. He snaps and through the magic of editting a stoic man in lederhosen appears brandishing a sledgehammer.
“Now you play video games and eat as much ice cream as you want. No training or effort required!' Ronnie says. He picks The Blazer up and drops him on the couch where his girlfriend Kaylee Kassie was waiting with his NES Advantage controller and some ice cream.
-LATER, AT THE PLACE WHERE THE MARKSMAN CONTEST OR WHATEVER WAS HAPPENING-
"Well, I've never fired a gun before...but now I'm an expert shot since I followed the Black Light to Success!" The Jew Blazer says. He fires his pistol into the air, then the German guy goes over and knocks all of the targets over with a sledgehammer.
"I did that!" The Blazer says happily to the Camera.
“No you didn't. We saw everything. You are disqualifi-GAH!” The Judge says right before he gets hit with a hammer. Ronnie yanks the trophy away from the judge as he falls and The Blazer and Ronnie run away.
“Use it to end arguments when you know you're wrong!” Ronnie says as we cut to two men arguing in a diner before a hammer slams down on the table, sending food flying all over both men.
“Use it to nail a job interview!” Ronnie says.
“Well, you aren't at all qualified for this position so I'm afraid I have to ask you to...” A man says before his desk, a display of several plaques and family photos, and his computer are destroyed by the hammer of a destructive German.
“Y-you've got the job! Just make the German leave!” The man says. We cut to The Jew Blazer and Ronnie standing with their copies of the book and the German man with a hammer between them.
“But wait, Ronnie... how can I justify feeling accomplished when I would have failed if not for the assistance of a German guy with a hammer?” The Blazer asks.
“Well that's the most important part of the Black Light District's method...” Ronnie says as he opens his books to reveal large print reading 'BE REALLY FUCKING STUPID'.
“Are there any drawbacks to this method?” The Blazer asks.
“Well, the biggest drawback would be if you were facing a team of three Radical individuals who knew exactly what kinda shady stuff you got up to and were ready to shut it down at a moments notice. That's leave anyone in the B.L.D. S.O.L. And J.W.F.” Ronnie says.
“Wha?”
“Shit Outta Luck and Jolly Well Fucked.” Ronnie says.
“Sounds about right.” The Blazer says. He and Ronnie both toss the books in the garbage before exchanging a fist bump as we fade to black.
