Post by Jazmyn Rain on Mar 4, 2018 21:59:33 GMT -5
“Venting”
Opening Thoughts
Jazmyn Rain: I never considered myself invincible. I never considered myself perfect. I’ve always considered myself vulnerable, a work in progress, among other things even as I’ve gone into what some would call the golden age of my career. But after the events of last Dissension, I was anything but strong. I was broken, I was shattered and my confidence hit a nadir that it hadn’t seen since I lost the GCW Global Championship for the first time. The experience was quite brutal and I'm glad that I’ve been able to snap out of it and move forward. Still, life in NGW isn’t easy and quite honestly, that’s a decently sized understatement.
I admit it, I am a worrier. I do take the words of others to heart too much at times. I know I shouldn’t but ignoring certain words and certain people is just too tough. It gets to me, yes. I’ll even admit that it distracts me at times from doing what I need to do in that ring. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so sensitive, but I can’t help myself. It’s the way I’m wired. These aren’t worries I am carrying too much going into my match with Matthew Shields or anything like that, but they are worries that from time to time, overwhelm me and make me question things. I’m not one of those people that are used to being at peace with themselves, I’ll tell you that much right now.
But still, life goes on, wrestling goes on and the mission never stops. I know that I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do in order to move forward with my goal of winning the Five Lakes championship in NGW. I know I have to keep pushing to realize my dream of leaving Resurrection in GCW with the Global Championship even after I had a lapse of judgment that ultimately cost me that title recently. This match that is coming up, it’s a test of my ability to bounce back. I’m in a situation where my back is against the wall, but that’s the narrative of my career, more or less.
I need to face my fears in this upcoming match. I know going in that if I choose to run away from them, there’s no way I’m winning against Shields.
Date: February 27, 2018
On the previous Tuesday night, Jazmyn Rain is in Philadelphia in the midday hours taking a recreational walk with her fiance, Derek. This is a regular activity for the couple for both physical and psychological fitness and this often serves as a nice break for the two-time Global Champion to get away from things. The two often talk and banter about basically anything since this is supposed to be a relaxing activity for both of them. However, this case is different. Jazmyn has far too much on her mind from recent events that took place in both GCW and NGW and her body language is lacking the vibrance that it is normal at this stage of her career and her life. In fact, said body language is closer to resembling the early part of her career where she dealt with self-esteem issues and seemed unsure of herself. Derek notices this as they approach a bench.
Derek: Want to sit down?
This question catches Jazmyn by surprise as she turns toward Derek.
Jazmyn: Huh? What did you just say?
Derek: Did you want to sit down?
Jazmyn: Why would I want to do that? I’m not even tired.
Derek: Not physically, anyway.
Jazmyn: Derek…
Derek: Jazmyn, I’ve known you since high school. I think I know what your body language looks like when you’re feeling unsure of yourself.
Jazmyn’s eyes widen in surprise as Derek walks forward a bit to sit down on the bench. She sighs and reluctantly takes a seat next to him as Derek grabs her right hand.
Derek: Mind telling me what’s wrong?
Jazmyn: I don’t know if you’d even understand. You’re not a wrestler and most likely never will be.
Derek: I may not have plans to be a wrestler, but I do have plans for being your husband. You know you can vent to me about anything.
Jazmyn: I don’t want to say too much. You know that things have been hard on me lately. Losing a championship is one thing, losing your confidence is another.
Derek: Is the Adrien match still bothering you?
Jazmyn nods.
Jazmyn: A little, yeah. It’s a complicated thing to explain. All of the “least important Guardian” talk… all of the “Adrien Cochrane show” talk… no matter how many times I tried to deter it in my head, there seemed to be a part of me that believed it because I had heard it so much. Then when I lost to him, it just seemed to justify it and it just… you need to keep this part between us… not even Adrien can know about this… it just felt like I didn’t have what it takes to make it in NGW and never would.
Derek: Jazmyn, with all due respect, you know deep down that’s ridiculous.
Jazmyn: I know… but I can’t help it. You know that sometimes I get overwhelmed by the opinions of other people that seem to just undercut me.
Derek: But that’s the key word, Jazmyn: OPINION. You know better than this.
Jazmyn: I do, but sometimes my self-esteem relapses to what it was eight years ago and that’s basically what happened after that match with Adrien. As much as I don’t ever want that to happen, it’s going to on occasion when everything just becomes too much. Like I told Adrien, I’m so tired of the lack of respect I get from some in NGW. I’m exhausted that I’m surrounded by negativity far more than I am positivity. I don’t know how much I can take anymore sometimes. In fact, I sometimes even wonder if being part of the Guardians was a mistake on my part and why I’m so “unimportant”.
Derek: Don’t say that, Jazmyn. It’s not true.
Jazmyn sighs.
Jazmyn: I wasn’t naive when I signed with NGW. I knew that moving up the ladder in the company wasn’t going to be easy, but for fuck’s sake, I had no idea it was going to be so HARD! You need to take the blinders off for a bit, Derek. I know you love me, but I’m no Wonder Woman. I’m a human being with her own faults just like everyone else. There are times where I just can’t take it. But I know what it’s caused by. You’re right, being a Guardian wasn’t a mistake. It’s just difficult to not listen to some of the shit people say and not question it.
Derek: I understand, well as much as I can understand without being a wrestler anyway…
Jazmyn: I sometimes doubt whether or not anything I do matters in the grand scheme of things. I think of all the people I’ve proven wrong in my career, I can only count on one hand how many people have actually come out and admitted it. Most don’t because of their god damned egos so it makes me question whether I DID prove them wrong. My own mother has never admitted she was wrong about me and likely never will, you know?
Derek: Which one? Catarina or Tammy?
Jazmyn: Cat… and she’s the one that gave birth to me. She thought I was such an inconvenience for her that prevented her from realizing her dreams because she had to raise me instead of chase them in her own warped mind and she took it out on me. That’s why I had my self-esteem problems, you know? But even though I’ve LONG proven her wrong, she’s never admitted it and she’s never said “sorry” for the way she treated me while I was growing up.
Derek puts an arm around Jazmyn as a means to comfort her as she is starting to vent about the roots of her self-esteem concerns and her sometimes-fragile confidence in the current stage of her career.
Jazmyn: But that’s just the start of it, Derek. It took YEARS for Mason Randall to admit he was wrong about me and even then, it was only recently. Think about GCW. Trenton Snow never apologized to me for the shit he put me through, and he NEVER admitted he was wrong about me. You know what I did when I beat him and finally put him in his place, sending him packing from GCW for good? He put on his facade that it “wasn’t the real him” only to act like the asshole he’s always been later on. He didn’t acknowledge me in a positive way. He revelled in the fact that he was such a pain in the ass for me.
Derek: And do Trenton’s opinions and actions matter in 2018? No they don’t. He had to do that to soothe his own ego.
Jazmyn: But the thing is, he wasn’t the only one either. Aphrodite Noel… do you know what she did after I beat her for my second Global Championship? She moved on like nothing happened. She didn’t acknowledge me at all. She never admitted she was wrong about me. It was on to the next thing.
Derek: That’s just her being bitter.
Jazmyn: Yeah, I know. But in NGW… Caroline O’Hara Birchill never acknowledged me or even talked about me, so clearly I wasn’t important to her. It’s plain as freaking day that should I beat Tillman for the Five Lakes title, they’re going to talk about how much of a “fluke” it was because that’s what he and his entourage do. And I know that if I beat Shields this weekend, he’s not going to change his tune about me at all. I hate to sound like I’m whining, but I can’t help it.
Derek: Jaz, let me remind you of something. You can’t control what they say about you. Not everyone is going to respect you. These are things that you already know. But, I completely understand why there’s that piece of you that always wants respect and approval. It started all the way back with your birth mother.
Derek pauses to lean in and kiss her on the cheek which draws a small smile out of her.
Derek: You can only control you, at the end of the day. Maybe you’re not important to some people. So what? You’re important to me. You’re important to your friends, your family, your fans… you know, people that… in the grand scheme of things? They DO matter! People like Trenton, Aphrodite, Caroline… in the grand scheme of things, do they have any importance in your life or career?
Jazmyn: No…
Derek: So why worry? Be happy! Keep doing what you love to do! Keep realizing your dreams. They’re just words, Jazmyn. Internally, you know how you feel about yourself. This journey you’ve been on has led you to learn how to love yourself more and more and I think right now, that’s what you need to focus on. I get that you’re wired this way, I get that this stems from Catarina being… no offense… a total bitch of a mother to you that refused to nurture and support you… but don’t let it overwhelm you again. You’re much stronger than that.
Jazmyn: I know, I know. You’re right on everything you just said. But I can’t help it, I’m sorry.
Derek: Don’t be.
Jazmyn: I just needed to vent, that’s all. I needed to hear that and I know it’s hard for you not to sugar coat things for me, but I appreciate the fact that you don’t more than you could ever know. I’m already starting to feel better and I know what I need to do in Paris this weekend. So, thank you Derek, for being my rock and listening to me. I really did need that!
Derek: I’m always going to try to be there for you. You know that.
Jazmyn nods and the two stand up from the bench.
Derek: I love you!
Jazmyn: I love you too!
Jazmyn gives a warm smile as the two hold hands and continue their recreational stroll.
Closing Thoughts
Jazmyn Rain: I’m no longer being weighed down by the harsh times of last Dissension. I am much stronger than what I’ve been expressing publicly lately. And against a guy like Matthew Shields? This Sunday? I’m going to set out to show exactly why in a very big way!
Opening Thoughts
Jazmyn Rain: I never considered myself invincible. I never considered myself perfect. I’ve always considered myself vulnerable, a work in progress, among other things even as I’ve gone into what some would call the golden age of my career. But after the events of last Dissension, I was anything but strong. I was broken, I was shattered and my confidence hit a nadir that it hadn’t seen since I lost the GCW Global Championship for the first time. The experience was quite brutal and I'm glad that I’ve been able to snap out of it and move forward. Still, life in NGW isn’t easy and quite honestly, that’s a decently sized understatement.
I admit it, I am a worrier. I do take the words of others to heart too much at times. I know I shouldn’t but ignoring certain words and certain people is just too tough. It gets to me, yes. I’ll even admit that it distracts me at times from doing what I need to do in that ring. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so sensitive, but I can’t help myself. It’s the way I’m wired. These aren’t worries I am carrying too much going into my match with Matthew Shields or anything like that, but they are worries that from time to time, overwhelm me and make me question things. I’m not one of those people that are used to being at peace with themselves, I’ll tell you that much right now.
But still, life goes on, wrestling goes on and the mission never stops. I know that I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do in order to move forward with my goal of winning the Five Lakes championship in NGW. I know I have to keep pushing to realize my dream of leaving Resurrection in GCW with the Global Championship even after I had a lapse of judgment that ultimately cost me that title recently. This match that is coming up, it’s a test of my ability to bounce back. I’m in a situation where my back is against the wall, but that’s the narrative of my career, more or less.
I need to face my fears in this upcoming match. I know going in that if I choose to run away from them, there’s no way I’m winning against Shields.
Date: February 27, 2018
On the previous Tuesday night, Jazmyn Rain is in Philadelphia in the midday hours taking a recreational walk with her fiance, Derek. This is a regular activity for the couple for both physical and psychological fitness and this often serves as a nice break for the two-time Global Champion to get away from things. The two often talk and banter about basically anything since this is supposed to be a relaxing activity for both of them. However, this case is different. Jazmyn has far too much on her mind from recent events that took place in both GCW and NGW and her body language is lacking the vibrance that it is normal at this stage of her career and her life. In fact, said body language is closer to resembling the early part of her career where she dealt with self-esteem issues and seemed unsure of herself. Derek notices this as they approach a bench.
Derek: Want to sit down?
This question catches Jazmyn by surprise as she turns toward Derek.
Jazmyn: Huh? What did you just say?
Derek: Did you want to sit down?
Jazmyn: Why would I want to do that? I’m not even tired.
Derek: Not physically, anyway.
Jazmyn: Derek…
Derek: Jazmyn, I’ve known you since high school. I think I know what your body language looks like when you’re feeling unsure of yourself.
Jazmyn’s eyes widen in surprise as Derek walks forward a bit to sit down on the bench. She sighs and reluctantly takes a seat next to him as Derek grabs her right hand.
Derek: Mind telling me what’s wrong?
Jazmyn: I don’t know if you’d even understand. You’re not a wrestler and most likely never will be.
Derek: I may not have plans to be a wrestler, but I do have plans for being your husband. You know you can vent to me about anything.
Jazmyn: I don’t want to say too much. You know that things have been hard on me lately. Losing a championship is one thing, losing your confidence is another.
Derek: Is the Adrien match still bothering you?
Jazmyn nods.
Jazmyn: A little, yeah. It’s a complicated thing to explain. All of the “least important Guardian” talk… all of the “Adrien Cochrane show” talk… no matter how many times I tried to deter it in my head, there seemed to be a part of me that believed it because I had heard it so much. Then when I lost to him, it just seemed to justify it and it just… you need to keep this part between us… not even Adrien can know about this… it just felt like I didn’t have what it takes to make it in NGW and never would.
Derek: Jazmyn, with all due respect, you know deep down that’s ridiculous.
Jazmyn: I know… but I can’t help it. You know that sometimes I get overwhelmed by the opinions of other people that seem to just undercut me.
Derek: But that’s the key word, Jazmyn: OPINION. You know better than this.
Jazmyn: I do, but sometimes my self-esteem relapses to what it was eight years ago and that’s basically what happened after that match with Adrien. As much as I don’t ever want that to happen, it’s going to on occasion when everything just becomes too much. Like I told Adrien, I’m so tired of the lack of respect I get from some in NGW. I’m exhausted that I’m surrounded by negativity far more than I am positivity. I don’t know how much I can take anymore sometimes. In fact, I sometimes even wonder if being part of the Guardians was a mistake on my part and why I’m so “unimportant”.
Derek: Don’t say that, Jazmyn. It’s not true.
Jazmyn sighs.
Jazmyn: I wasn’t naive when I signed with NGW. I knew that moving up the ladder in the company wasn’t going to be easy, but for fuck’s sake, I had no idea it was going to be so HARD! You need to take the blinders off for a bit, Derek. I know you love me, but I’m no Wonder Woman. I’m a human being with her own faults just like everyone else. There are times where I just can’t take it. But I know what it’s caused by. You’re right, being a Guardian wasn’t a mistake. It’s just difficult to not listen to some of the shit people say and not question it.
Derek: I understand, well as much as I can understand without being a wrestler anyway…
Jazmyn: I sometimes doubt whether or not anything I do matters in the grand scheme of things. I think of all the people I’ve proven wrong in my career, I can only count on one hand how many people have actually come out and admitted it. Most don’t because of their god damned egos so it makes me question whether I DID prove them wrong. My own mother has never admitted she was wrong about me and likely never will, you know?
Derek: Which one? Catarina or Tammy?
Jazmyn: Cat… and she’s the one that gave birth to me. She thought I was such an inconvenience for her that prevented her from realizing her dreams because she had to raise me instead of chase them in her own warped mind and she took it out on me. That’s why I had my self-esteem problems, you know? But even though I’ve LONG proven her wrong, she’s never admitted it and she’s never said “sorry” for the way she treated me while I was growing up.
Derek puts an arm around Jazmyn as a means to comfort her as she is starting to vent about the roots of her self-esteem concerns and her sometimes-fragile confidence in the current stage of her career.
Jazmyn: But that’s just the start of it, Derek. It took YEARS for Mason Randall to admit he was wrong about me and even then, it was only recently. Think about GCW. Trenton Snow never apologized to me for the shit he put me through, and he NEVER admitted he was wrong about me. You know what I did when I beat him and finally put him in his place, sending him packing from GCW for good? He put on his facade that it “wasn’t the real him” only to act like the asshole he’s always been later on. He didn’t acknowledge me in a positive way. He revelled in the fact that he was such a pain in the ass for me.
Derek: And do Trenton’s opinions and actions matter in 2018? No they don’t. He had to do that to soothe his own ego.
Jazmyn: But the thing is, he wasn’t the only one either. Aphrodite Noel… do you know what she did after I beat her for my second Global Championship? She moved on like nothing happened. She didn’t acknowledge me at all. She never admitted she was wrong about me. It was on to the next thing.
Derek: That’s just her being bitter.
Jazmyn: Yeah, I know. But in NGW… Caroline O’Hara Birchill never acknowledged me or even talked about me, so clearly I wasn’t important to her. It’s plain as freaking day that should I beat Tillman for the Five Lakes title, they’re going to talk about how much of a “fluke” it was because that’s what he and his entourage do. And I know that if I beat Shields this weekend, he’s not going to change his tune about me at all. I hate to sound like I’m whining, but I can’t help it.
Derek: Jaz, let me remind you of something. You can’t control what they say about you. Not everyone is going to respect you. These are things that you already know. But, I completely understand why there’s that piece of you that always wants respect and approval. It started all the way back with your birth mother.
Derek pauses to lean in and kiss her on the cheek which draws a small smile out of her.
Derek: You can only control you, at the end of the day. Maybe you’re not important to some people. So what? You’re important to me. You’re important to your friends, your family, your fans… you know, people that… in the grand scheme of things? They DO matter! People like Trenton, Aphrodite, Caroline… in the grand scheme of things, do they have any importance in your life or career?
Jazmyn: No…
Derek: So why worry? Be happy! Keep doing what you love to do! Keep realizing your dreams. They’re just words, Jazmyn. Internally, you know how you feel about yourself. This journey you’ve been on has led you to learn how to love yourself more and more and I think right now, that’s what you need to focus on. I get that you’re wired this way, I get that this stems from Catarina being… no offense… a total bitch of a mother to you that refused to nurture and support you… but don’t let it overwhelm you again. You’re much stronger than that.
Jazmyn: I know, I know. You’re right on everything you just said. But I can’t help it, I’m sorry.
Derek: Don’t be.
Jazmyn: I just needed to vent, that’s all. I needed to hear that and I know it’s hard for you not to sugar coat things for me, but I appreciate the fact that you don’t more than you could ever know. I’m already starting to feel better and I know what I need to do in Paris this weekend. So, thank you Derek, for being my rock and listening to me. I really did need that!
Derek: I’m always going to try to be there for you. You know that.
Jazmyn nods and the two stand up from the bench.
Derek: I love you!
Jazmyn: I love you too!
Jazmyn gives a warm smile as the two hold hands and continue their recreational stroll.
Closing Thoughts
Jazmyn Rain: I’m no longer being weighed down by the harsh times of last Dissension. I am much stronger than what I’ve been expressing publicly lately. And against a guy like Matthew Shields? This Sunday? I’m going to set out to show exactly why in a very big way!
