Ronnie North- Drain Bramage

The Doctor emerges from the back room and looks at the muppet-haired and very worried man in the waiting room.

“Is he going to be okay?” Josh asks, the camera rolling.

“He suffered a pretty bad concussion. He’s going to be fine but there have been some…complications.” The Doctor says.

“Can I see him?” Josh asks. The Doctor nods.

“Just be prepared for him to seem a little different.” The Doctor says, leading Josh to see Ronnie who is laying in a hospital bed.

“Hey there, brother. How’s your head?” Josh asks. Ronnie looks at him with a vague sense of recognition.

“Hi you’re…Jim?” Ronnie asks.

“Ronnie this is Josh, we were just talking about him. This is your best friend.” The Doctor says. Josh is confused.

“Uh…Yeah, man….we’ve been through everything together. We learned to wrestle together, for over two years we shared almost every meal together, we’ve won tag titles together.” Josh says.

“Oh….yeah Doc says I don’t remember a buncha stuff but that it’ll come back to me eventually probably. So I’m a Wrestler! That’s totally rad! And you….you’re also a uh…..no offense but you’re kinda skinny to be a wrestler.” Ronnie says.

“You missed some work, buddy.” Josh says.

“Wrestling work?” Ronnie asks.

“No, you’re in the middle of filming some parody involving Adam Slams-her and Jizzy Coxx.” Josh says.

“Filming? I make movies? What kind of movies?” Ronnie asks.

“Uh…oh man. You’re a porn director, producer, and star.” Josh says.

“What? But I’ve never even…” Ronnie says.

“Never….what? Wait a second… Ronnie how old do you think you are?” Josh asks.

“18, but I’m a late bloomer! I just have to meet the right girl.” Ronnie says.

“Oy Vey… Look. I’ll have your secretary know they need to carry on filming without you but right now you need to come with me. You’re about to be the best man at my wedding in a couple weeks and I’d like you to at LEAST know who Kaylee and I are before we get on with that.” Josh says.

“Was Kaylee the lady with the big butt who was in here earlier? Good going, man. She’s SUPER hot.” Ronnie asks.

“Oh yeah, he is definitely not faking this. We also need to have you cut a promo.” Josh says.

“Is it really a good idea for me to try and form a coherent promo after suffering brain trauma?” Ronnie asks.

“Given who you’re facing I think you’ll have to work pretty hard to sound like you have worse brain trauma than they do.” Josh says, remembering the Ronnie is facing off against Alicia Hixx.

“Right, let’s go then.” Ronnie says. He stands up in his medical gown and turns to the door.

“I AM DONE BEING A PATIENT, MISTER DOCTOR! That…I’m not really sure how you’re supposed to leave a hospital.” Ronnie says. Josh rolls his eyes.

_____________________________________________________


“Alright, so I think I’m caught up. Most of what you said paints me as being a greasy pervert.” Ronnie says.

“I mean, you’re also a really nice dude. You got me the box set of Knight Rider for Hannukah this year.” Josh says.

“Wow, I really DO sound like a nice dude.” Ronnie says with a nod.

“So explain to me again why you dress like a clown that visits sick Jewish kids in the hospital to spread the healing magic of comedy along with warnings about the religious implications of ingesting shellfish?” Ronnie says. Josh rolls his eyes.

“It’s really not worth explaining. Just go over the notes, look into the camera, and just let the words flow out of you.” Josh says. Ronnie takes out some small notecards and looks over them, taking a moment to wipe his brow.

“Alicia Hixx….hello. Wait, my opponent is female?!” Ronnie asks.

“Uh, yeah. IS there a problem with that?” Josh asks.

“I’ll have to like…grab and rub up on a girl and stuff?” Ronnie asks.

“Yes, Ronnie. You’re going to have to get used to that.” Josh says, a bit of exasperation in his voice.

“Oh….Okay…. –ahem- Alicia Hixx. I am going to…beat you in this wrestling match. Do not be fooled by my previous match against Marvin Karnoff…what? ” Ronnie says, his speech was stilted and clumsy and he was constantly peeking down at his cards. He looked offscreen to where Josh was trying to talk to him.

“Oh uh….Martin Karloff. Martin Karloff mercilessly attacked me but I am doing just fine now and am more than ready to face the challenge presented by Alicia Hixx. Also, The Jew Blazer is going to advance in his match against Alex Jones and win the Global Cup because he is an amazing competitor and amazing friend. Hey uh, who is the Jew Blazer again?” Ronnie turns to ask Josh off-camera.

“Ne….Nevermind. Keep going.” Josh says.

“Why? What else is there to say, really? I’m gonna beat you. I’m a better fighter than you… How do you not just roll credits after that?” Ronnie asks.

“I mean there’s typically a lot more to say because like 80 percent of the people here are jerks but… No Alicia is pretty much just gonna say the same thing she always does. Also she might be under the assumption that you are a girl. Stuff is weird around here.” Josh says. He gestures to the camera.

“But yeah, once you are beaten by me, Josh, Kayla, and I-“

“KayLEE. That’s a mistake you REALLY don’t want to make.” Josh corrects him.

“Right, who is Kayla then?” Ronnie asks.

“Kayla Richards is the very violent NGW Champion who you somehow accidentally sent your dirty underwear a few weeks ago.” Josh responds.

“Oh…hey Josh?” Ronnie asks.

“Yeah, buddy?”

“Am I stupid?”

“I mean…No! No no of course not. That’s an easy enough mistake for anybody to make. Also everyone seems to really like your shenanigans. People totally like you and you’re my best friend in the world, buddy.” Josh says.

“Oh… So can this just be over now then?” Ronnie asks.

“I mean…yeah, probably.” Josh says before the camera cuts out.