Ronnie North- Something About Juice and Silverware

“So what can you tell me about Martin? I mean, you used to be his roommate.” Ronnie asks.

“He’s terrifying.” Josh says.

“Well yeah, I get that. Spooky horror film guy.” Josh says.

“Actually, I don’t think you do. I don’t think ANYONE around here actually gets it. That guy he cares so much about Xaria and his children and now his ‘Father’…his new family… but I don’t think he has a single bit of compassion for anyone else on the planet. When he lived with me he would work out for seven hours a day, play piano for three hours a day, and almost exclusively blended every single one of his meals in a juicer. He only slept in 20 minute increments every four hours and once at 5 AM I woke up and he was organizing all of my silverware. Silverware that he didn’t use because as I previously mentioned, he didn’t eat solid food the whole time he stayed with me. He is at the very least obsessive compulsive as well, once threatening to remove my eyes with a melon baller because he claimed his toothbrush was not ‘perfectly parallel to the sink’.” Josh says, letting it sink in who exactly Ronnie was dealing with.

“How do you fight a guy like that? He sounds like a machine.” Ronnie says.

“He just might be. The guy is tactically brilliant as well. Did you see what he did to Mason? It was no accident. He picked his spot and he took advantage. While we are talking right now he is likely drinking a tumbler full of gross green stuff and watching footage of your matches. Looking for weaknesses to exploit. Now you need to ask yourself a serious question knowing that… How are you going to spend your time preparing for this match?” Josh asks. Ronnie thinks it over.

“I’m gonna make a porno about him and his wife.” Ronnie says.

“You weren’t paying attention to anything I said, were you?” Josh asked.

“I drifted in and out. Something about juice and silverware?” Ronnie says.

“Yeah, you basically got the gist of it. Why are you even here if you weren’t gonna listen to me?” Josh asks.

“I’m bug bombing my apartment.” Ronnie says. Josh sighs.

“Know any creepy dudes with too many abs who want to bang on camera?” Ronnie asks.

“No. No Ronnie. No, I don’t.”

“Okay! Places, people! How is he doing?” Ronnie asks his makeup lady, Sandy.

“I’ve done as much as I can.” Sandy responds.

“You can do better than that! I don’t care how much makeup you need to use, he needs to have at least 12 more abs! Keep adding!” Ronnie says. The male star of his newest film seems uncomfortable. He already has a decent six-pack. Ronnie was not in any scenes today so he had on his Directors beret that no one could convince him to stop wearing no matter how hard they tried.

“Don’t you have a scene in this?” Intern Tom asks.

“Was planning on filming it tomorrow. It’s a flashback where XXXaria bangs Johnny Massivedick. I mean, I know absolutely nothing about how it actually happened so I figured it’d be in the middle of a match.” Ronnie says.

“I mean, isn’t the thing about their affair that it was super secret for a real long time? If it happened during a match I feel like a lot more people would have known about it.” Tom says.

“Not if it was a dark match.” Ronnie says.

“People are still in the arena for a dark match.” Tom says.

“Wow, you know a lot about wrestling Tom!” Ronnie says.

“I’m a fan. And once again my name is Frank.” Tom replies.

“Ah, see I don’t ev-“

“You don’t even watch this show.” Tom replies, rolling his eyes.

“Right. That. So I’m envisioning sort of a Phantom of The Opera sort of plot, Martin Jerkoff as The Phantom. XXXaria Jerkoff as… the girl in the Phantom of the Opera. Johnny Massivedick as the other guy in Phantom of the Opera. Granted I have no clue how Phantom actually ends but I figure in this one, XXXaria ends up in the middle of a ten man blow-bang.” Ronnie says.

“I’ll go put the tarp down.” Tom says, walking away.

“That’s right folks, Ronnie North is back in singles action representing a nation in the Global Cup! Which nation? Djibouti of course! I’ve been all up in Djibouti several times in my life and in the first round I am facing off against Martin Karloff. Marty is an odd duck. If I were a less brave man I would be afraid of him, fortunately I am as courageous as they come. Ronnie the Lionhearted they used to call me.” Ronnie says.

“Of course I mean… Martin has been known to injure people and…Oh God he’s gonna go after my junk isn’t he? Oh no oh no… Marty is the kinda guy who would try and take away my….my livelihood. My money-slash-babymaker. I’m sure he won’t be mad about this movie. I’m sure the sight of a Johnny Maverick lookalike banging a lookalike of his wife isn’t going to infuriate him… I mean, Kayla hasn’t said anything so maybe people here are cooler than I thought.” Ronnie says to himself as he thinks over how it was going to go.

“Yeah…no… I’m gonna get murdered. Won’t be during the match though! He’s not stupid enough to kill me in public. Perhaps I can take advantage of his anger and advance in this tournament! Then I just need to remain in a public place so he won’t kill me. Great plan Ronnie! Tennouttaten!" Ronnie says to himself. 

Ronnie turns and is face to face with an individual in full body paint.

“Are we ready?” They ask.

“JEBUS MONKEYFUCKING CHRIST PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!” Ronnie says. There is a long pause before Ronnie
realizes this is in fact the actor he hired to play the porn parody Martin Karloff and not the actual Martin Karloff.

“Right….uh…Action!” Ronnie says, adjusting his beret.