Ronnie North- Adjusting

A FEW DAYS AGO

“Alright look people, I know we like to have fun here… but we are trying to portray something very serious today. Now personally? I don’t understand it, but Tumblr is going absolutely CRAZY for this ship and this has potential to be our most downloaded video of all time. Now I only recently had what a ‘’SHIP’ was explained to me so yes…this is going to be set on a boat because I already rented the boat. This movie needs to function as a romance film as much as an actual skin flick because that’s apparently what these weird Tumblr people are into. Hey, where is that prop I asked for? We were gonna do that scene where Kayla gets sent the underpants that she put a bounty out for?” Ronnie asks.

He had grown out his beard, had his hair slicked back, and was wearing a ‘DESTROY-HER’ T-shirt with a picture of his face in the center.

“Um, actually in real life it was Johnny who put out the bounty for a pair of Kayla’s panties.” The intern says.

“I don’t actually watch this show.” Ronnie says.

“Noted. Also I made the package look legit and actually got the postage right. I think I did such a good job that someone may have accidentally actually have taken it to the post office.” The intern says.

“With MY underpants in them?” Ronnie asks.

“Yes, and with Kayla’s actual address on it and a message attached from your character ‘Johnny Massivedick’” The intern says. Let’s call him ‘Tom’. Tom seems like a good name.

“You….you actually sent Kayla Richards a pair of my underpants?” Ronnie says.

“Your instructions were pretty confusing.” Tom says.

“…how dirty were the underpants?” Ronnie asks.

“You were wearing them between takes when you filmed ‘Whorefare’. I had to wear three pairs of gloves when I handled them because they ate through the first pair.” Tom says.

“Oh. Kayla is literally going to murder me.” Ronnie says.

“That’s probably a safe bet, yeah. My bad.” Tom says.

“No sweat Tom. You’re a good dude. Anyway. The love story between Johnny Massivedick and Kayla Rim-chards is a tale as old as time. Star-crossed lovers. We need a title that is really going to sell that concept and I think we’ve really got something special with ‘NPW Presents: Blow-meo and Screw-Liet- The Story of Johnny and Kayla….based loosely on true events.” Ronnie says.

“None of this actually happened. Also my name is Frank.” Tom says.

“Well we had to add quite a few scenes about boats and boating to explain the set. So maybe it’s more ‘Titanic’ than ‘Romeo and Juliet’…. Hmmm….let’s see if we can squeeze a reference to Titanic in the title. Titanic….Tits….Tit-anic. Nailed it. Add it to the title.” Ronnie says.

"It’s already kind of a long title. Also don’t people die at the ends of those stories?” Tom asks.

“Yeah we kinda build to that but then it turns out everyone is okay and Matt and Johnny goof all over Kayla and Jess-Suck-Ah’s face. I figured Matt Shields might be cool with this if I give him a scene where his character gets to bang Jess-Suck-Ah Rears. I mean, maybe next time I’ll offer him a part. That should lift his spirits.” Ronnie says.

“It does seem weird that you’re on his good side. Seeing as how he hates your best friend for some reason and there’s definitely some animosity between him and Kaylee.” Tom says.

“Well I mean… yeah. It seems like anyone Kaylee has a prolonged history with kinda hates her which is weird because she’s such a sweetheart. Sure we have our little arguments but we’re totally cool and super on the same page when it comes to what we want from the Radicalliance. I’ve got no beef with Shields but when it comes to tag team wrestling? The Radicalliance are the greatest tag team in the Everythingiverse. I have some issue with how he treats the title… especially since he spoiled my plans for the ‘Ronnie North Radicalliance Celebratory Squirt-kakke Sextravaganza. I know Josh has his thing with Tillman based on respect or handshakes or Lakes or whatever. I don’t watch this show.” Ronnie says.

“Are you suddenly promo-ing again? You seem to do that a lot.” Tom says.

“Sure am, Tom.” Ronnie says.

“Frank. I’ve worked for you for over a year now.” Tom, says.

“Ha! Classic Tom!” Ronnie says. Tom sighs and walks off screen. Ronnie turns to face the camera,

“Anyway, when it comes to Matt’s offer of not getting involved in this match…I’m afraid I am going to have to decline. If I am tagged in, I am going to unleash ‘The Facial’ on you and Tillman and absolutely get the pin. Nothing personal. In both of my jobs, I am nothing if not pro-“ Ronnie says before he is interrupted by the head of the costuming department. We’ll call her Tammy.

“So uh…we ran out of ‘casual boatgoer’ costumes and had to dress up a bunch of the extras in costumes from your Lord of The Rings and Star Wars parodies.” Tammy says.

“It’s fine! We’ll add it to the title! This is now also a fantasy space epic! Tumblr loves this shit. Try and get that blue phone booth and the dumpy car the hot Demon Hunter guys drive. And you know what? See if we can get Benedict Cumberbatch in this thing. He’s in everything.” Ronnie says. Tammy leaves, rolling her eyes.

“As I was saying…in both of my jobs? I am nothing if not professional.” Ronnie says. He dips his hands into a large vat of Vaseline that is set in front of him and walks off-camera.

“Alright people! Let’s get set up! It’s time to start putting stuff into other stuff! Hoist the mizzenmast! It’s time to start filming NPW Presents Lord of The Tit-anic Blow-meo and Screw-liet Superwholock of the Jedi- The Story of Johnny and Kayla loosely based on true events. ACTION!” Ronnie says.