The Return of Santa Johnny

"Fuck." Ronnie says.

"What?" Josh asks.

"Johnny." Ronnie says.

"What about him?" Josh asks.

"His girlfriend just called." Ronnie says.

"Yeah? And?" Josh says.

"Santa Johnny." Ronnie says.

There is a long silence.

"We...It's been years. I thought it was over. I thought he had finally gotten it out of his system!" Josh says. He and Ronnie both turn as the door is kicked open. Johnny Maverick is wearing a Santa hat, a torn red sleeveless 'Ho Ho Ho' t-shirt and a pair of red jeans.

"HOLIDAY CHEER AND SHIT!" Santa Johnny loudly announces. Josh is about to say something before Johnny points his t-shirt cannon at Ronnie which fires a teddy bear directly into his crotch at an astounding velocity, sending him to the floor where he makes a whimpering sound. Johnny goes to point his cannon at Josh.

"Jewish." is all Josh says. Johnny lowers his cannon and gives Josh finger guns.

"Gotcha. HO HO HO, MOTHERFUCKERS!" Johnny says, backing out of the room and heading to the next apartment. Josh breathes a sigh of relief until he remembers he was currently in Ronnie's apartment and the one next door currently had his fiancé inside. Josh rushes and leaves Ronnie whimpering on the floor.

__________________


"Up on the housetop CLICK CLICK CLICK. CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK, CLICK CLICK CLICK, CLICK CLICK." Says Santa Johnny, defiantly refusing to acknowledge that he was unable to remember the lyrics. Santa Johnny was at his 'Workshop' surrounded by his two helpers, his girlfriend Dannielle Anderson who was wearing a cute elf outfit and her best friend Mari Reyes who was spending the holidays with them and pointedly refused to put the elf outfit on. Danni happily decorated the apartment while Mari played on her phone.

Johnny downs a large glass of Evan Williams Egg Nog and releases a content sigh.

"Now I don't know what this 'putty fuck' thing is that Jack brought up in his promo and Chris mentioned on twitter. Are those guys jamming their dicks into modeling clay? Anywho, yeah Johnny got a little bummed after his last loss and tweeted some stuff but there was a lot of other stuff going on. I worked through it. I'm stronger for it. That's how the process works. Truth be told, I have no clue why the hell I've been given this opportunity but it's not something I'm going to take for granted. With that out of the way, let's talk about WHY Jack Tillman is on the naughty list." Santa Johnny says. He puts on a pair of old times bifocals and Danni the Elf hands him his scroll labeled 'naughty list' before kissing him on the cheek.

"I've been naughty too, Santa Johnny." Danni says. Santa Johnny looks a bit flustered and chuckles.

"Not on camera, Danni." Santa Johnny whispers to his naughty elf. Mari rolls her eyes.

"Let's see...Jack Tillman. Oh here he is! Hmmm...seems he's going around calling people 'losers' while he's holding two titles he doesn't deserve because he keeps getting fucking punked out in the ring. The Jew Blazer, my student who you're so quick to claim superiority over despite him being the first person here to hand you a clean loss, lasted longer in Warfare than you did and had more people attacking him at once than you did. You keep bitching and moaning about people ganging up on you while Josh unleashed his Jewish Mallet on five people out for his blood. You keep making all of these excuses for losses and I guess I'm gonna have to ask the tough question here. What the fuck happened, Jack?" Santa Johnny asks.

"Just kidding, I know what happened. My dad trained me like a soldier and beat the living shit out of me for YEARS before I stepped into a ring and he stuck me with a 'manager' who did most of the talking for me. Sound familiar, Jack? Welcome to what your 30's are probably going to look like. Hope you fucking choke on it. You start to think that training made you a monster. You think the shit you went through made you better and then...then things start falling apart. Do you know why that is, Jack? It's because there are hundreds of dudes who went through the same shit you and I did. There are dozens of guys waiting to punch their ticket here in the big leagues who think they swing the biggest and meanest dick on the planet because they went to Japan and the crowd didn't take a big runny dump on them." Johnny says, he thinks over his next words.

"Your problem is that you are me ten years ago and me ten years ago thought he knew what the fuck was up and he didn't have a god damn clue. You're problem is that so long as Chris Constantine and The Destroyers are whispering in your ear you're going to continue to be a Boy. I hope you're ready for a lesson and it sure isn't about the spirit of Christmas. You are going to learn just how fucking little you know. You are going to learn what it's like to step in the ring with someone who sees you exactly for what you are..."

"You'll learn who your daddy is, that much is certain." Santa Johnny says with a smirk. Hearing this, Danni hops across his lap face down.

"Finally!" She says, lifting her skirt to expose her candy cane striped panties in anticipation of a spanking. She gives her butt a little wiggle. Santa Johnny is starting to think Danni the elf may have gotten into the egg nog not knowing how much alcohol he had added to it.

"I'm...I'm right here." Mari says.

"Well it looks like Christmas has come a couple days early for Santa Johnny... uhm... roll the outro!" Johnny says before the screen goes dark and we get the festive sight of the NGW logo decorated with holly as snow falls.

'Twas the show before the Pay Per View and all through the fed,
There were delusions of grandeur in everyone's head.
All the Destroyers held on to their titles in fear,
Because Johnny Fucking Maverick soon would be here.

Matthew Shields he was ranting, that impossible tool...
That 'we shouldn't call it Christmas it used to be Yule'.
Jack Tillman was ready, his boots they were laced.
But now the young boy would be learning his place.

For you see, Santa Johnny had arrived on the scene.
He's a good enough dude unless you make him mean.
He'd had better years, he was out of his groove,
But now Johnny Maverick had something to prove.

So complain he's unworthy and set to retire.
All Jack is doing is adding fuel to the fire.
But that's about enough of this holiday schtick
Merry Christmas to all, And to all suck my dick.'