Post by Caroline O'Hara Burchill on Nov 6, 2016 12:17:56 GMT -5
Maybe I'm going too far
Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself
She couldn't help but to pace back and forth, anxiously fumbling with her fingers as each step she made had a slight bounce to them. Her heartbeat was frantic and strong to the point where it felt like it would pop out of her chest at any given moment. Her nerves were frayed to the quick, frazzled and jumping all over the place. In her building nervousness she constructed elaborate rationalizations for why everything would turn out alright, but still the nagging voice in the back of her mind spoke of nothing but possible doom ahead. Okay, maybe she was being completely dramatic, but for the seventeen year old Caroline Valentina Zolnerowich, she couldn't shake out the tenseness that shrouded her entire body. She was shaking, even perspiring a little, and she was as nervous as a jittery little bug. She couldn't stand still and maintain a relaxed position. It was damn near impossible. How could she be composed when she was set to have her very first professional wrestling match ever? How could any human being with a conscious even sit back, kick their feet up and chill when they are in this kind of position? The butterflies that were flying haphazardly inside of her stomach seemed to grow more persistent by the second, and Caroline swore that she was close to throwing up. The teenager couldn't even think straight. She was going to walk out in a few minutes, and she was a complete wreck. There was so many things that were racing through her mind, and she couldn't even handle it.
I'm going to break.
When she finally came to a stop, Caroline closed her eyes and took the time to breathe. She tried to intake and expel some air slowly, hoping to finally gain some clarity and relax herself. However, her fingers continued to weave in and out of each other, and the strong flood of various emotions was still overcoming her. God, why was this happening to her? Why did she have to be so nervous? She honestly envied other rookies who were calm, cool and collected. She still couldn't believe that some of them never felt any pressure from the impending critics about how their careers could possibly take off if they were successful in their first match. She wished she could be like that. She wished that she could be confident and not be a timid dork shaking like a little chihuahua. She wished that she didn't have to overthink things and care about having to make an impressive first impression. She wished that she could block everyone out and not have to worry or fret about what others might think about her. However, she couldn't do any of that. She didn't have that kind of spunk to her.
I don't know if I can even do this.
She sighed, reopening her eyes to look down at the ground. However, she suddenly jerked up and was completely alarmed by the sudden touch of a hand on her shoulder. Her heartbeat became even more rapid and the nerves that she was desperately trying to get rid of were only heightened.
"Holy shit!" Were the words that were blurted out by an exasperated Caroline as she quickly spun around, seeing who it was that touched her. The male threw his hands up, as if to say that he had no intention of scaring her. However, he couldn't help but to chuckle and shake his head, finding Caroline's reaction to be amusing. In a way, it was kind of wicked for him to laugh. After all, Caroline was close to having a heart attack. So, seeing that he was chuckling only made Caroline's cheeks redden as she gave him a frown. "That's not funny, Shawn!" The teenage Aussie said with a huff and a frown. She crossed her arms as Shawn giggled, trying to apologize to his younger sister.
"I'm sorry, Caroline. I didn't mean to frighten you. I was just trying to see how you were doing... and by the look of things, you're not doing so well."
Caroline sighed and ran a hand through her hair, shaking her head as if to admit that she wasn't in a stellar mood. "In all honesty, I'm really nervous right now." She explained, looking up at her older brother. "I've been feeling high strung ever since we got to this place. I guess I'm just...not ready for this kind of stuff."
"Huh?" Shawn arched a brow at her, slightly surprised. "But Caroline, what's there to be nervous about? We've been training you for months."
"Yeah, but this is too much for me! What if the fans don't like me? What if I mess up? What if my opponent just completely kicks my ass and make a mockery out of me? There's so much that can go wrong, Shawn. I don't know if I can handle this."
Shawn couldn't believe what he was hearing. He never expected Caroline to be completely stressed out, let alone even doubting herself and questioning if she should be here. This was the same girl who wanted to be a professional wrestler. This was the same girl who wanted to be just like their mother who was killing it in the United States back in the eighties and nineties. But now? She was like a completely different person, and Shawn couldn't understand why Caroline was suddenly getting cold feet. The same young girl who was so exuberant and couldn't wait to get in the ring was now nervous? It was all insane to him.
"Caroline...," Shawn began, placing his hand on her shoulder again in a gentle caress to calm her down. He tried to look into her eyes, but Caroline quickly averted her gaze from and looked off to the side. "You can't back out now. This is what you wanted, remember? You wanted to be just like Mom and do this. We've worked so hard to get you here. Why would you want to throw it all away now?"
"It's just that... I'm not confident in myself." Caroline uttered out softly, still looking away from Shawn. "There's just a lot at stake here and it's just too much for me."
"Caroline--"
"Shawn, I-I'm so sorry, but I can't." Suddenly, her voice cracked and the young woman would feel a few tears gently gliding down her cheeks as she was beside herself. She shook her head and stepped back, using her forearm to try and wipe away the tears that were invading her face. She truly thought that she wasn't ready for this. She was upset at herself, and she felt as though she let Shawn down. "This is too much for me to handle. I can't do this."
"Yes, you can. You can do this. You can't just walk out of here and leave! This has been your dream since you were a little girl."
"Yeah, a very fucking stupid dream at that!" She hurled out, getting frustrated with Shawn's unrelenting persistence. "I'm not built for this, Shawn! I'm not ready to do this, and I don't think I ever will be!"
By then, the tears were becoming overbearing and Caroline couldn't contain herself anymore. She covered her face and sobbed. Shawn couldn't help but to feel saddened by his sister's display. He didn't want Caroline to quit. He wanted her to still go out there and have her match, but at the same time, he couldn't stand to see her upset like this. He didn't know what to say to her. However, he did know what to do, and he walked up to his distressed sister to give her a hug. When his arms were wrapped around her, Caroline just let out everything. The emotions that she was trying to contain just spilled out and she buried her face into his shoulder, receptive of his embrace. What seemed like forever was actually a few minutes, and by then her match was about to come up. Pulling back from Shawn, Caroline again wiped away her tears and she tried to calm down. Shawn placed a finger on her chin and wiped off a tear that had been there.
"You know that you're such an ugly crier, right?" Shawn joked, trying to lighten the atmosphere for them. Caroline couldn't help but to chuckle, rolling her eyes as she gave him a light shove. "And you know that you're such a jerk, right?"
"Yeah, I guess I am. But, Caroline... are you sure you want to do this?" He asked, trying to gauge her to go out there and have her match one last time. Caroline sighed, but Shawn was quick to continue on with what he had to say.
"I know you're scared. I know that you're nervous and think that you can't do this, but this is something that you've been passionate about for years. Wrestling is in our family. You're a Zolnerowich for goodness sake. Our Mother is a legend in our sport, and I'm sure that she wants to see you leave your own mark here. You can't throw all of that away all because you're unsure about this. You can't let the doubt get to you like this"
Caroline was conflicted at this point. She was definitely timid and afraid. However, Shawn did have a point. This is what she always wanted to do. She went out of her way to have Shawn train her, and it wouldn't make sense for her to back out now. No matter how much she wanted to run away, she had to just stand her ground and press forward. She couldn't give all of this up now.
"I know this may seem daunting, but you have to throw caution to the wind and just do it. You have talent, Caroline. You'll make it, but if you tell yourself that you can't do it, then you'll just mess everything up for yourself. No matter what happens, you should be proud of yourself... because I'm certainly proud of you."
By then, Caroline's perception completely changed. Shawn was absolutely right. She couldn't doubt herself. She had to just go out there and do her best. The young woman smiled faintly, before going in to hug her brother once more.
"Alright. I guess I can do it. If you say that I can, then I will."
"That's the spirit!" Shawn grinned and gave Caroline a light ruffle of her hair, much to her displeasure. She frowned as stepped back and fixed her hair. Just then, her music began to play, and Caroline was a bit surprised.
"Shit. The match is starting already?"
"Yep. Now, go on out there and show to everyone what you can do."
Caroline looked back at Shawn and nodded, her smile becoming even more visible. She took a deep breath and exhaled before she stepped out of the backstage area, heading to her match. She was still feeling nervous, but she felt much better. She had to go into her match and show to everyone what she was capable of. She wasn't going to throw months of training down into the trash. She no longer doubted herself. She no longer was unsure about her capabilities to win a match. She felt a bit more relaxed and prepared. She was now ready.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I'm going to break.
When she finally came to a stop, Caroline closed her eyes and took the time to breathe. She tried to intake and expel some air slowly, hoping to finally gain some clarity and relax herself. However, her fingers continued to weave in and out of each other, and the strong flood of various emotions was still overcoming her. God, why was this happening to her? Why did she have to be so nervous? She honestly envied other rookies who were calm, cool and collected. She still couldn't believe that some of them never felt any pressure from the impending critics about how their careers could possibly take off if they were successful in their first match. She wished she could be like that. She wished that she could be confident and not be a timid dork shaking like a little chihuahua. She wished that she didn't have to overthink things and care about having to make an impressive first impression. She wished that she could block everyone out and not have to worry or fret about what others might think about her. However, she couldn't do any of that. She didn't have that kind of spunk to her.
I don't know if I can even do this.
She sighed, reopening her eyes to look down at the ground. However, she suddenly jerked up and was completely alarmed by the sudden touch of a hand on her shoulder. Her heartbeat became even more rapid and the nerves that she was desperately trying to get rid of were only heightened.
"Holy shit!" Were the words that were blurted out by an exasperated Caroline as she quickly spun around, seeing who it was that touched her. The male threw his hands up, as if to say that he had no intention of scaring her. However, he couldn't help but to chuckle and shake his head, finding Caroline's reaction to be amusing. In a way, it was kind of wicked for him to laugh. After all, Caroline was close to having a heart attack. So, seeing that he was chuckling only made Caroline's cheeks redden as she gave him a frown. "That's not funny, Shawn!" The teenage Aussie said with a huff and a frown. She crossed her arms as Shawn giggled, trying to apologize to his younger sister.
"I'm sorry, Caroline. I didn't mean to frighten you. I was just trying to see how you were doing... and by the look of things, you're not doing so well."
Caroline sighed and ran a hand through her hair, shaking her head as if to admit that she wasn't in a stellar mood. "In all honesty, I'm really nervous right now." She explained, looking up at her older brother. "I've been feeling high strung ever since we got to this place. I guess I'm just...not ready for this kind of stuff."
"Huh?" Shawn arched a brow at her, slightly surprised. "But Caroline, what's there to be nervous about? We've been training you for months."
"Yeah, but this is too much for me! What if the fans don't like me? What if I mess up? What if my opponent just completely kicks my ass and make a mockery out of me? There's so much that can go wrong, Shawn. I don't know if I can handle this."
Shawn couldn't believe what he was hearing. He never expected Caroline to be completely stressed out, let alone even doubting herself and questioning if she should be here. This was the same girl who wanted to be a professional wrestler. This was the same girl who wanted to be just like their mother who was killing it in the United States back in the eighties and nineties. But now? She was like a completely different person, and Shawn couldn't understand why Caroline was suddenly getting cold feet. The same young girl who was so exuberant and couldn't wait to get in the ring was now nervous? It was all insane to him.
"Caroline...," Shawn began, placing his hand on her shoulder again in a gentle caress to calm her down. He tried to look into her eyes, but Caroline quickly averted her gaze from and looked off to the side. "You can't back out now. This is what you wanted, remember? You wanted to be just like Mom and do this. We've worked so hard to get you here. Why would you want to throw it all away now?"
"It's just that... I'm not confident in myself." Caroline uttered out softly, still looking away from Shawn. "There's just a lot at stake here and it's just too much for me."
"Caroline--"
"Shawn, I-I'm so sorry, but I can't." Suddenly, her voice cracked and the young woman would feel a few tears gently gliding down her cheeks as she was beside herself. She shook her head and stepped back, using her forearm to try and wipe away the tears that were invading her face. She truly thought that she wasn't ready for this. She was upset at herself, and she felt as though she let Shawn down. "This is too much for me to handle. I can't do this."
"Yes, you can. You can do this. You can't just walk out of here and leave! This has been your dream since you were a little girl."
"Yeah, a very fucking stupid dream at that!" She hurled out, getting frustrated with Shawn's unrelenting persistence. "I'm not built for this, Shawn! I'm not ready to do this, and I don't think I ever will be!"
By then, the tears were becoming overbearing and Caroline couldn't contain herself anymore. She covered her face and sobbed. Shawn couldn't help but to feel saddened by his sister's display. He didn't want Caroline to quit. He wanted her to still go out there and have her match, but at the same time, he couldn't stand to see her upset like this. He didn't know what to say to her. However, he did know what to do, and he walked up to his distressed sister to give her a hug. When his arms were wrapped around her, Caroline just let out everything. The emotions that she was trying to contain just spilled out and she buried her face into his shoulder, receptive of his embrace. What seemed like forever was actually a few minutes, and by then her match was about to come up. Pulling back from Shawn, Caroline again wiped away her tears and she tried to calm down. Shawn placed a finger on her chin and wiped off a tear that had been there.
"You know that you're such an ugly crier, right?" Shawn joked, trying to lighten the atmosphere for them. Caroline couldn't help but to chuckle, rolling her eyes as she gave him a light shove. "And you know that you're such a jerk, right?"
"Yeah, I guess I am. But, Caroline... are you sure you want to do this?" He asked, trying to gauge her to go out there and have her match one last time. Caroline sighed, but Shawn was quick to continue on with what he had to say.
"I know you're scared. I know that you're nervous and think that you can't do this, but this is something that you've been passionate about for years. Wrestling is in our family. You're a Zolnerowich for goodness sake. Our Mother is a legend in our sport, and I'm sure that she wants to see you leave your own mark here. You can't throw all of that away all because you're unsure about this. You can't let the doubt get to you like this"
Caroline was conflicted at this point. She was definitely timid and afraid. However, Shawn did have a point. This is what she always wanted to do. She went out of her way to have Shawn train her, and it wouldn't make sense for her to back out now. No matter how much she wanted to run away, she had to just stand her ground and press forward. She couldn't give all of this up now.
"I know this may seem daunting, but you have to throw caution to the wind and just do it. You have talent, Caroline. You'll make it, but if you tell yourself that you can't do it, then you'll just mess everything up for yourself. No matter what happens, you should be proud of yourself... because I'm certainly proud of you."
By then, Caroline's perception completely changed. Shawn was absolutely right. She couldn't doubt herself. She had to just go out there and do her best. The young woman smiled faintly, before going in to hug her brother once more.
"Alright. I guess I can do it. If you say that I can, then I will."
"That's the spirit!" Shawn grinned and gave Caroline a light ruffle of her hair, much to her displeasure. She frowned as stepped back and fixed her hair. Just then, her music began to play, and Caroline was a bit surprised.
"Shit. The match is starting already?"
"Yep. Now, go on out there and show to everyone what you can do."
Caroline looked back at Shawn and nodded, her smile becoming even more visible. She took a deep breath and exhaled before she stepped out of the backstage area, heading to her match. She was still feeling nervous, but she felt much better. She had to go into her match and show to everyone what she was capable of. She wasn't going to throw months of training down into the trash. She no longer doubted herself. She no longer was unsure about her capabilities to win a match. She felt a bit more relaxed and prepared. She was now ready.
I can do this.
I can do this.
But you told me that I could do it
So I'll go and do just that
