Post by Josh Kennedy on Nov 12, 2017 17:57:55 GMT -5
As the cameras open on Josh Kennedy, he's found sitting in the garden of his Long Beach home, the sun beating down intensely on his pale face. He's clad in a grey hoodie with the Filth Parade logo emblazoned on the chest. A smouldering cigarette hangs from his lips and the brown glass of a bottle of cheap beer sits next to him, half-drained.
"On paper, I guess I've finally found a measure of the success I'm looking for. Top of the rankings for the Young Lions Championship, and what is - technically - a winning record. I should be happy, I should be proud. I should be satisfied. But I'm not. It feels hollow."
"Whether it's my mental health, the wicked sting of having failed my own expectations for myself, or something else entirely, I don't know. But I know it's on me to make this right, I know I'm the cause of my own misery. I've brought it back, a little, but I can't help but feel like I still have such a long road ahead of me. My only goal is to make something of myself in NGW, to do the best I can here. And I always want more from myself than what I've got. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic, but Coda made it clear that I ain't the only one with expectations for myself. Maybe that's what's gotten to me. I'm in the top spot in the Young Lions Division, and I'm only just starting to feel like maybe I'm ready for the challenge that lurks just around the corner. Coda carried me to that win in the ring in San Francisco, because I could barely bring myself to wrestle. What you saw from me that show was all I had in me. It was pathetic, it was unacceptable, and even that was everything I had to give at the time. Maybe that's it, maybe I still feel like I got one hell of a lot to redeem myself for yet."
Josh takes an intense drag from the cigarette, inhaling slowly for a long time, as the embers of the burning tip swell in intensity, their orange glow becoming noticeably brighter as he takes the smoke into his lungs and breathes out, creating a wispy plume of smoke that hangs, inching to the sky before eventually dropping back to the ground and dissipating. He flicks the side of the paper, dropping ash into the small plastic tray that rests on his left-hand side.
"Bit of a downer, I know, but I'm feelin' better, believe it or not. I ain't all the way recovered, but I'm getting there, little by little. And right now, the relief of anything easing up - even slightly - is victory enough. Which is probably for the best, because Honey beat me last time we stepped in that ring. I was challengin' that very same night for the Slaughterhouse King of the Deathmatch Championship, I felt cocky, I felt confident, I felt ready. Why wouldn't I? I was at the top of my game, right? Turns out I wasn't. At all. But I ain't gonna make that same mistake again. But think I had the measure of her right after all, underneath that sugary coating, she's just as much of a threat as anyone else. I'll stand by that with confidence. Seems almost incongruous for me to say if you look at it on a surface level but I got a whole lotta respect for Honey. I know she's goin' through a rough time right now, but she's got the resilience she'll need to make it through, I'm sure of that much."
"But, I gotta say, this match is about way more than just those rankings to me. I don't have a crystal ball, but I think it's safe to guess that whoever's in that number one spot after the show will be challengin' for the Young Lions Championship come Resurgence. With the kinda prestige Coda's brought to the title so far, that's a big deal. And with how shaky I've been up to now, I think that - and that alone - is my chance to prove myself as a threat in NGW. To end the reign of The Destroyer, the longest reigning Young Lions Champion to-date, Coda. Now, that's one hell of a task, but my back's against the wall. I have to take this opportunity to do exactly that and make everythin' I can of it. At this point, I don't think I can settle for anythin' less."
Josh sighs and takes a swig of the beer. He's clearly a little distressed at the pressure he's piling on himself, but seems far better composed than most of his tenure in NGW. His appearance was still typically haggard but he seems to have no noticeable cuts and bruises, save for a few marks on his knuckles from his intense training sessions.
"It's all or nothin' now, so I have to carve my path forwards. I recently found out for myself that allowing myself to stagnate ain't gonna do me no favors. That was the same message I tried to relay to Alechs on Twitter before he took off to... wherever he is. Maybe it was a little hypocritical of me, because I'm a far cry from perfect. But after years of feelin' sorry for myself and hoping the sky collapses in on me when I get like this, I finally had the earth-shatterin' revelation that a pity party won't get me anywhere. I have to fight this with everything I got, constantly. I can't allow myself those little slips any more, because they all stack up, and they make it far worse than anything else ever could. So, Alechs, man, wherever you're at, if you end up seeing this, just do whatever it takes to drag yourself outta this. Sometimes you gotta let a few bridges burn to progress. There's no wrong answer, but it'll let up. Eventually."
"As for Honey, you've got the heart of a warrior in you. I know you'll give me the challenge I need, but I know I need to push myself just that little bit harder, go that little bit further. I know it'll probably be tough for you without Alechs by your side, but you've got all those people in the crowd beside you too. It's no replacement for someone you love, but it's something. I know you mean it when you say you'll be brave. I know you mean it when you say you'll push forwards. But I have a lot to fight for here too. I have a whole lot of regrets weighin' me down, but now's the time. I have to have hope that I can rise above it, that I can finally lift that pressure off, if only for a moment. So I can focus on what's ahead of me. That's far easier said than done. I know how despondent I can get. I know how hopeless it can feel, how infinitely this blackness stretches across the horizon sometimes. But I know there's always something better out there and I know that'll give me the strength to carry on. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm lying to myself, doomed to repeat the same endless cycle of self-hatred over and over, ad infinitum."
To this, Josh raises his left hand, showing off the tattoo on the back of it as he's done so many times before. The snake eating its own tail. The eternal. Ouroboros. As he says these words, he casts his eyes downwards for a moment before fixing his gaze to meet the camera again, a rather unexpected twinkle in his eye. An extremely rare sight for anyone outside of the very few he's closest to, the ones that make him happy.
"But telling myself there's an eternal light waiting just beyond the gloom even if I can't see it... Sometimes it's the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning, it gets me to fight for the things I need, and the people I love. The promise of something better waiting just off in the distance gets me through another day, another fight against myself. It allows me to get through this conflict. So I know what I'm gonna choose as my truth. I choose the light, because if I go on carrying it in my chest, I know I can set the world on fire."
Josh emphasises this point with another drag from the cigarette, the dark orange glow growing and swelling to overtake fill the entire image on the screen growing brighter and brighter until it bursts into a white void. The sound of him exhaling can be heard briefly before the footage stops.
"On paper, I guess I've finally found a measure of the success I'm looking for. Top of the rankings for the Young Lions Championship, and what is - technically - a winning record. I should be happy, I should be proud. I should be satisfied. But I'm not. It feels hollow."
"Whether it's my mental health, the wicked sting of having failed my own expectations for myself, or something else entirely, I don't know. But I know it's on me to make this right, I know I'm the cause of my own misery. I've brought it back, a little, but I can't help but feel like I still have such a long road ahead of me. My only goal is to make something of myself in NGW, to do the best I can here. And I always want more from myself than what I've got. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic, but Coda made it clear that I ain't the only one with expectations for myself. Maybe that's what's gotten to me. I'm in the top spot in the Young Lions Division, and I'm only just starting to feel like maybe I'm ready for the challenge that lurks just around the corner. Coda carried me to that win in the ring in San Francisco, because I could barely bring myself to wrestle. What you saw from me that show was all I had in me. It was pathetic, it was unacceptable, and even that was everything I had to give at the time. Maybe that's it, maybe I still feel like I got one hell of a lot to redeem myself for yet."
Josh takes an intense drag from the cigarette, inhaling slowly for a long time, as the embers of the burning tip swell in intensity, their orange glow becoming noticeably brighter as he takes the smoke into his lungs and breathes out, creating a wispy plume of smoke that hangs, inching to the sky before eventually dropping back to the ground and dissipating. He flicks the side of the paper, dropping ash into the small plastic tray that rests on his left-hand side.
"Bit of a downer, I know, but I'm feelin' better, believe it or not. I ain't all the way recovered, but I'm getting there, little by little. And right now, the relief of anything easing up - even slightly - is victory enough. Which is probably for the best, because Honey beat me last time we stepped in that ring. I was challengin' that very same night for the Slaughterhouse King of the Deathmatch Championship, I felt cocky, I felt confident, I felt ready. Why wouldn't I? I was at the top of my game, right? Turns out I wasn't. At all. But I ain't gonna make that same mistake again. But think I had the measure of her right after all, underneath that sugary coating, she's just as much of a threat as anyone else. I'll stand by that with confidence. Seems almost incongruous for me to say if you look at it on a surface level but I got a whole lotta respect for Honey. I know she's goin' through a rough time right now, but she's got the resilience she'll need to make it through, I'm sure of that much."
"But, I gotta say, this match is about way more than just those rankings to me. I don't have a crystal ball, but I think it's safe to guess that whoever's in that number one spot after the show will be challengin' for the Young Lions Championship come Resurgence. With the kinda prestige Coda's brought to the title so far, that's a big deal. And with how shaky I've been up to now, I think that - and that alone - is my chance to prove myself as a threat in NGW. To end the reign of The Destroyer, the longest reigning Young Lions Champion to-date, Coda. Now, that's one hell of a task, but my back's against the wall. I have to take this opportunity to do exactly that and make everythin' I can of it. At this point, I don't think I can settle for anythin' less."
Josh sighs and takes a swig of the beer. He's clearly a little distressed at the pressure he's piling on himself, but seems far better composed than most of his tenure in NGW. His appearance was still typically haggard but he seems to have no noticeable cuts and bruises, save for a few marks on his knuckles from his intense training sessions.
"It's all or nothin' now, so I have to carve my path forwards. I recently found out for myself that allowing myself to stagnate ain't gonna do me no favors. That was the same message I tried to relay to Alechs on Twitter before he took off to... wherever he is. Maybe it was a little hypocritical of me, because I'm a far cry from perfect. But after years of feelin' sorry for myself and hoping the sky collapses in on me when I get like this, I finally had the earth-shatterin' revelation that a pity party won't get me anywhere. I have to fight this with everything I got, constantly. I can't allow myself those little slips any more, because they all stack up, and they make it far worse than anything else ever could. So, Alechs, man, wherever you're at, if you end up seeing this, just do whatever it takes to drag yourself outta this. Sometimes you gotta let a few bridges burn to progress. There's no wrong answer, but it'll let up. Eventually."
"As for Honey, you've got the heart of a warrior in you. I know you'll give me the challenge I need, but I know I need to push myself just that little bit harder, go that little bit further. I know it'll probably be tough for you without Alechs by your side, but you've got all those people in the crowd beside you too. It's no replacement for someone you love, but it's something. I know you mean it when you say you'll be brave. I know you mean it when you say you'll push forwards. But I have a lot to fight for here too. I have a whole lot of regrets weighin' me down, but now's the time. I have to have hope that I can rise above it, that I can finally lift that pressure off, if only for a moment. So I can focus on what's ahead of me. That's far easier said than done. I know how despondent I can get. I know how hopeless it can feel, how infinitely this blackness stretches across the horizon sometimes. But I know there's always something better out there and I know that'll give me the strength to carry on. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm lying to myself, doomed to repeat the same endless cycle of self-hatred over and over, ad infinitum."
To this, Josh raises his left hand, showing off the tattoo on the back of it as he's done so many times before. The snake eating its own tail. The eternal. Ouroboros. As he says these words, he casts his eyes downwards for a moment before fixing his gaze to meet the camera again, a rather unexpected twinkle in his eye. An extremely rare sight for anyone outside of the very few he's closest to, the ones that make him happy.
"But telling myself there's an eternal light waiting just beyond the gloom even if I can't see it... Sometimes it's the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning, it gets me to fight for the things I need, and the people I love. The promise of something better waiting just off in the distance gets me through another day, another fight against myself. It allows me to get through this conflict. So I know what I'm gonna choose as my truth. I choose the light, because if I go on carrying it in my chest, I know I can set the world on fire."
Josh emphasises this point with another drag from the cigarette, the dark orange glow growing and swelling to overtake fill the entire image on the screen growing brighter and brighter until it bursts into a white void. The sound of him exhaling can be heard briefly before the footage stops.
