Johnny Maverick Should NOT be Allowed to Speak to Children

"You know what they say, 'teach a man to fish and he'll fish for a lifetime. He'll only fish. Soon his wife will question his sanity and leave him but they'll all know he was right the day he has a beautiful mermaid bride and he's jamming his cock into her scaly cloaca.' They are crazy and have been taking a lot of drugs by the docks. Then you have to explain to them that fish don't really have cloacas and you get into an argument about the anatomy of fictional creatures and the next thing you know you wake up covered in blood... so much blood. But I didn't come here to tell you kids about fish pussy or blacking out and murdering people or where your actual teacher may be, let's do some multiplication tables BITCHEEEEEEES." Johnny Maverick says to a crowd of children. We cut to the children sitting in front of him, all of them completely wide-eyed in shock and confusion.

"So The Jew Blazer was supposed to be speaking to you guys but unfortunately he's lost his smile or whatever so NGW sent me in his stead for this....whatever this is. This won't be too long because this is a DC school and you kids are like 10 so there's a strong possibility a few of you are actually my illegitimate children and I I've been clear of paying child support my whole life and I'm not looking to change that. What did I say I was gonna teach you?" Johnny says. A kid raises their hand.

"What do you have a cramp? Just tell me." Johnny says.

"Uhh... you said something about multiplication?" The child says.

"Did I really say that? Man that sounds boring as BALLS. No no, today we are going to be talking about... Bullying. That's what wrestlers talk to kids about when they come to schools right? Like, look at this kid! His head is shaped all funny but you know he's gonna be slaying tang by the time he's in high school so be nice to him guys and maybe you'll get some of his throwaway trim." Johnny says, pointing out a child who seems more confused than anything.

"Bullies come in all shapes and sizes. Some of them short, some of them tall, some of them will tell you you're crazy while their dressed like they just jumped out of a Halloween stores dumpster."

PICTURED BELOW: A SANE, WELL-ADJUSTED INDIVIDUAL



"Now these people can't get things done on their own so they surround themselves with capable people to do their work for them because they lack self-confidence. We can infer from this lack of self-confidence a few things. One....tiny weiner. Just....just the littlest weiner. " Johnny says, this actually gets a laugh from the student body.

"But mostly it infers a profound amount of insecurity. The insecurity it would take you to....I dunno...print a bunch of t-shirts on your dime to mock a wrestling companies name change because the legacy of that company outweighs the small niche of egomania you had carved for yourself as it's first champion and forces you to face the fact that you aren't special and I know it really feels like I've been playing up the Matthew Shields bashing lately but I've hated this guy since day one and MAN I have been waiting to talk about him." Johnny says. The students are getting confused. One of them raises their hands.

"You guys...you seriously have to stop that I hate it so so much. Just...just talk. You're people, you're allowed to talk." Johnny says.

"Uh...Are you talking about like some specific bullies?" A child asks.

"No, these could be any random bullies and their impossibly uncreatively named stable." Johnny says.

"Are you just gonna do a wrestling promo and not teach us anything?" The child responds.

"What's a cloaca?" another child asks.

"Are you my dad?" Another asks.

"Wow...too many questions at once. If only there was some way I could pick which one of you....oh wait that just clicked. That's what the hand-raising is for. That's....yeah that's legit. Keep doing that. Anyway, I'm facing a guy who I can tell wants my spot and I know he's hungry to be viewed as a serious singles competitor. He's hungry. Hungry can be dangerous." Johnny says.

"This has nothing at all to do with bullying." The first child says again.

"We're doing hands again, bro! Also it wasn't even a question. You fail for the day. You get the opposite of whatever a gold star is. You get the poop emoji. Everyone silently judge him but don't point and laugh or call him names or anything because that's bullying." Johnny says.

"Right, Damon Graves. He's hungry and like Matt Shields he seems to be sort of currently stuck in the shadow of his more successful significant other but the difference here is that Damon seems like a pretty alright dude and Matt Shields is Matt Shields. I like Daemon. He's a darn good fighter and he's got a good head on his shoulders. I know we'll put on a hell of a fight but at the end of the day I have to show Adrien, Matt, Kayla, and Alex exactly who they're stepping in the ring with. Also I have to help save this restaurant because their menu is terrible and their finances are in the toilet. No wait... sorry sometimes the chip the government planted in my head picks up reruns of Kitchen Nightmares and I think I might be Gordon Ramsey which really explains my recent hatred of frozen raviolis." Johnny says.

"Uh, Mr. Mave-"

"HAND. RAISE THE HAND." Johnny replies.

"Are you actually crazy?"

"Nah, more just fun and generally cool to be around. Huh, apparently we've still got like 5 minutes until your teacher gets back. Who wants to learn a buncha` new swear words?" Johnny asks. The students all make various noises of approval.

"Alright so if you kids have ever heard the F-Bomb or the S-Bomb...wait'll you get a load of of the C-bomb. To use it in a sentence,' Kayla Richards is a total Cu-'"

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