Post by Kayla Richards on Sept 21, 2017 6:14:37 GMT -5
Chapter 14
Bad Reputation….
When you stop fighting against yourself and truly feel comfortable in your own skin is the moment that happiness manifests. In these last few months I’ve taken you all through everything I had experienced. From my childlike innocence being taken and smashed on a cold, hard bathroom floor. Through my heart being ripped from my chest, to it being put back together piece by piece only for the on switch to be faulty. And also through my own misunderstanding of who and what I am.
But I’ve never revealed the moment it all became clear.
I’ve never really talked about what it took and what happened for the fog in my mind to flow away as quickly as it had rolled in when I was five years old. You have to think of your life as a shoreline. waves will come in and crash over and over and for most people it simply brings the sand back in as it takes it away and a sort of renewal happens. But for me the waves hit and took and took and took until nothing was left but grey, hard, stone.
The soft sand had just not been meant for someone like me. But when it first happened I had no idea what it meant. I still fought against my own nature and blamed myself for it and it’s something I still struggle with today. It’s something I struggle with when I talk to my mother, my sisters even Matt.
I look at them and know I should care, I look at them and know I should feel apathy. If they’re happy I should understand why, if they’re sad I should feel sad for them. I look at Amber to see the comparison. There was a time when the oldest of the three of us was a vicious bitch. Feared...loathed but respected. In fact she was so feared that her biggest rival took me and used me as a pawn against her.
That’s right, Ana Valentine used me as a way to try and control Amber fucking Richards. And the Amber of today would have folded. She would have looked at me, her little sister, in pain and being used, abused and destroyed physically and emotionally and she would have begged and pleaded for it to end, for Ana to simply leave me alone. That is the Amber that exists today, a happy, somewhat well adjusted young woman and mother.
But the Amber from back then?
The Amber that first walked into this business?.
She looked at Ana Valentine, a woman who tried to show the world she was a fearless bitch, a queen who bowed to no one and she simply...laughed.
She laughed at Ana’s threats, she laughed at Ana’s attempts to control her through me, to hurt her through me. Amber looked at me as a liability and walked away, she abandoned me. And I know you’d expect me to feel shit about that, to hate my sister. But the truth is I hate what she’s become. She’s a soft, smiling, happy domesticated houseplant. And for a long time I couldn’t understand why I felt nothing for that. I couldn’t understand why her happiness didn’t mean anything to me. Why Tasmins didn’t either.
I care about Matt, I love Matt, I love Coda, I love my family. I know I do, but I can’t feel it like you all do. I can’t tap into this well of love and devotion. And this worries me. Because I know someday I’ll have to face the one thing that does send a chill up my spine.
Motherhood.
Amber loves her twins, they started the change and the catalyst. And her son being born soon will just further the turn. Tasmin looks at our niece's with tears in her eyes and a smile on her face. But when my time eventually comes and Matt and I conceive a child, when I’m laying in a hospital bed and they hand the child to me, I’ll smile, I’ll cry but deep down I won’t feel a fucking thing. And you know what?.
I’m fine with that….
I like to live a little
I like to drink a little
I like to smoke a little
I like the rush a little
Misunderstood a little
We're all the same a little
Some where just born to be bad
