Post by Alex Jones on Aug 16, 2017 0:31:28 GMT -5
The inner thoughts of Alexander Nicholas Jones
12th May 2017
What is a hero?
A hero is someone who sacrifices one's own ideals for the sake of a greater good. Someone who will put their body, heart and soul on the line for a movement greater than their own personal gain. A firefighter, a police officer, a soldier. These are examples of heroes we encounter throughout modern life and times. I often wonder, what will my daughter think of me as she gets older?
Will she see me as a good man?. Will she believe that her father loved her as much as he could through difficult circumstances? Can I rely on my ex-wife to paint a picture of a man who is capable of true love and devotion to his own flesh and blood?. Or am I going to be buried as a monster and an uncaring piece of trash like everyone believes me to be?
I never set out to be anything more than a good man in my personal life.
I never set out to be anything more than a good wrestler in my professional one.
But as life happens your visions of what you want and need have become skewed and distorted. You see when I was a young man. When I first decided I wanted to do this, to be a professional wrestler it was during a time when my entire life was in turmoil. I was 18, my alcoholic father made me life a living hell. As the oldest child I was looked upon to instill guidance into my younger siblings. My sister Charlene and my brother Dylan. I was the one who had to set the example.
And the example I chose?. To follow your dreams. But that wasn’t enough for my father and I still remember as I walked out the door, a bottle of jack in one hand and a cig in the other he bellowed for me never to show my worthless ungrateful face in his house again.
I never had intentions of going back. So I travelled. I wanted to learn from the best and as I left my family's home in Dallas Texas I went to New York, from there I went to the UK, stopping in Blackpool. I was 19 years old, six months training proper. I was only going to be there a small time. But then I met someone who changed it all….
This is the first time I have put my thoughts down on this and will likely be the last. She was the most amazing person I’d met and seen. She was a small pale girl filled with life. A head full of mousy brown hair. A fiery attitude ready to destroy any and all who doubted her. Someone who had been through more pain than I had but still stood proud. I spent a month getting through that wall to be her friend, another two months laughing and training...learning about life from this teen firecracker….
I left, I promised to go back and she still had her guard up. A guard that came barrelling down the next month when I returned on a work VISA. So many had walked from her life and left her alone that she never expected that I could have meant the words I said….
Friends forever.
She jumped into my arms, she smiled and held on so tight. I felt that heartbeat beneath her chest and as the hours turned to days and then to months the friendship became something more but in our youth we never took that step. We never broke the bond and became more. And then I had to leave again. A simple phone call from my sister changed it all. My father was dying and had asked for me. So I left, I walked away from my friends, my new career and the young girl I….
I loved.
My father died and the few weeks I was supposed to be home just grew. My family needed me and as the bills and responsibilities mounted the time became longer and she moved on. I thought I did too. I worked, I had championships I even married a woman I thought I loved. I had a daughter with her. I thought I had it all but it never felt right and I ended up miserable. It was my fault as much as hers and my whole life fell apart.
Thing is I saw that girl again. She had grown, we were both different but the same and even though I had worked through so much I still felt the same way. I still loved her. And I picked the stupidest moment to be a hero. In being a villain. I forced her to letgo for both our sakes. I forced her to hate me. Because that was the only way we could move on. The family and friendship fairytale was just that. A fairytale. And now more than ever I have to be a man….
Now more than ever I have to grow up. Like she always said I should…..
And that. Well that is true irony……
Blackpool England
4 months ago
Alex sat cross legged in the ring. The frayed ropes around him serving as a reminder as to where he was and where it all started. He wore a black hoodie zipper up with the hood over his head and a black pair of jeans. His breathing steadied as he looked down at the old stained canvas. His fingertips reaching out to touch it smooth surface. His eyes closed as he inhaled the scent of the gym. The years of history. His history. Her history. All of it was right there.
He looked over at his bag, packed and ready. The tickets sitting on top slid inside his passport. Alex took a slow breath and back out again. He turned and pushed up off the canvas to his feet. He moved around the ring one last tip bouncing on the balls of his feet in his black and white classic style converse. A small smirk coming across his face as he leaned against the corner. His arms stretched out across the top rope on either side as he felt the turnbuckle pad between his shoulderblades. He scoffed and shook his head stepping out of the ring to the apron and then down to the floor.
He heard the footsteps. Danny flanked by a few young students stood in front of Alex. He smiled warmly at his old teacher before shaking both the young men’s hands as they respectfully left their mentor and his guest to talk. Danny shook his head and sighed, his breathing laboured as his aging body carried the extra weight and years of wear and tear. He folded his arms over his huge barrelled chest as his eyes wrinkled
“So ya goin home mate?” He raised his eyebrows feigning surprised before letting out a huge laugh. The type Alex had heard a thousand times when he was younger and even more over the recent visits. Alex gave him a simple smile and a nod. “Yeah I guess it’s about time eh?....go home to that pretty lil wifea yurs.” Alex swallowed hard and sighed deeply with another smile and nod.
Alex’s mind flashed to Sonja. Her golden blond hair. Her tanned skin. The dimples she got when she smiled. The way she moved, her scent, it all came back to him, flooding all at once. Then as if a sudden punch in the gut it changed to her, Alex shock his head and clenched his hands together as if being shocked by some kind of electricity. Danny grabbed Alex’s arm looking deep into his pupil and friends eyes.
“Kid, ya can’t let it kill ya, remember...bury it…” Alex stared for a moment and looked down and away. “I can’t…” Danny raised an eyebrow before sitting on the apron, his hands clasped together as he thought for a moment and then with a deep bellow exclaimed his advice. “Well, ya gotta hard decision ta make lad.”
“If ya can’t bury it, an ya dun want it ta kill ya….” He paused and looked at Alex, but it wasn’t the Alex we all knew. It wasn’t the 31 year old 7 time world champion who had travelled the world. It was the 19 year old skinny kid who couldn’t grow a beard to save his life, staring back with bright blue eyes. “Ya gotta cut her out….”
Alex shook his head and leaned back his body seeming to crumble under the advice. “I love her Danny. I wish I didn’t. I wish I could look at her and just see a friend. I came here to find the real me and to let it all go. But I feel like I’m leaving more confused than when I got here man.” Alex clenched his jaw and his fists balled up, his body seemed to break down and crush but then in an instant before hard as granite as he tried to hide it, all the pain, the frustration. He turned it inward.
“Aye, don’t do that lad…” Danny grabbed Alex’s shoulders and stared at him, his eyebrows raised and his eyes filled with understanding. The fatherly voice and advice cutting through the hard exterior like a knife as he broke down. Danny pulled him into a hug nodding and calming him down. After a few moments Alex pulled back taking a few deep breaths. “I know ya don’t want ta hear it kid. But ya know she ain’t as strong as she thinks she is. Ya gonna have ta be the one to break it…..ta let it go….it ain’t fair Alex. Not to you and not to her….” He grabbed Alex by the back of the neck forcing him to look into his eyes. “If ya love that lass, let her go….” Alex again nodded his head slowly, his heart aching as he saw and felt the truth. His whole body wanting to become a quivering mess on the floor instead he stood up. His body calming, he offered out his hand and Danny took hit. “Thanks for everything old man….”
