Post by Kayla Richards on Jul 20, 2017 22:16:17 GMT -5
Sweet Release
Breathe Into Me
People believe suicide to be a cowardly act. The last refuge of the damned. A movement by someone who can no longer put up with the agony of life. They often point out the plight of the loved ones left behind. What about the mother?. What about the father?. Siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles. And god forbid children. But the truth is, the desperation of wanting to end it knowing that there will be nothing at the end of that rainbow takes courage.
To look at your life and feel there is no way out, to feel so helpless that sometimes it just hurts to breathe. I’ve been there. I’ve felt it. To be looking back at your past and then to the future and not see a way out. Sometimes the nothingness and darkness of death is more comforting than the thought of what could happen if your life drags on and limps further down that line. Sometimes living is the scary past. But to look off that cliff knowing and feeling that if you do it then it will be that final moment and then to take that step?.
I’ve come close. I’ve made that decision. And truth me on this. It is a decision. It’s a choice you are bringing onto yourself to just stop.
And no one should ever tell you when and how you opt out of life. People are so concerned with the terminal physical illness. The plight of them and the fact they deserve to be euthanized if they so choose. What about the mental pain?. What about depression?. Imagine that you’re a grown adult. Imagine that you feel uncomfortable in your own skin and every time you close your eyes you see the worst things you have ever experienced. Then imagine that the only thing to take away that pain could kill you….
Now think about sleep, how your body needs it and craves it but every single day you are scared to death of what will go through your mind when you slip into it. You’re faced with two roads. One of them is feeling it all, feeling everything that has ever hurt you and coming to that realisation. The thought of ending it. Or….you turn off. You flip a switch and feel nothing. nIs that a way to live?. Is that a way to coast through existence?.
Sure. You don’t feel pain, sorrow, anger, sadness. But look at what you miss out on?. You look into your lovers eyes and you see the happiness that have and you mirror it back. But feel empty. Keeping out the negative also eliminated the positive. But if the negative is so overbearing you can’t even enjoy life. Then what’s the point?. And those of you who have never been into that darkness. Those of you who have never had something so fucking horrible happen to them that it infects every single fibre of your being then I am happy for you.
But you’re also unable to judge, you;re unable to feel it. And should learn….to shut your fucking mouths….
And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me
And this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you
And this is who I am when I don't know myself anymore
And this is what I choose when it's all left up to me
Dallas Texas
4 Years Ago
Breathe Your Life Into Me
I heard his zipper go up, his belt clink and move as he buckled it up with a laugh as he looked over his shoulder at me. His long hair tied back as his toothless grin made my stomach turn. The meaning behind it, the feeling of being used. The dirty seemed to cover my body as the smell refused to leave. The smell of his body, his flesh, his breath. All of it covered me like some kind of blanket. I could feel parts of my skin crawling. His lips had pressed against my naked flesh, his tongue had tasted and moved.
I sat on the edge of the dirty mattress, uncovered or protected. The door opened and he high fived his brother. They laughed in their strong southern accents. The older brother tieing his bandana as the younger one looked in, his smile fading as his brother turned, his look going from amused to one filled with pity. Pity…..he pitied me….
They walked off, I saw her face, she sneered, she laughed and so did the Dark Angel. His eyes hidden under glasses as she grabbed him pulling his face to hers, kissing him hard in front of me before again sneering from behind her perfect pink lips and long curly blonde hair. But I knew, I knew her secret and so did he. But why hadn’t my Dark Angel destroyed her?. She didn’t have the faith I did, the devotion, the love. He didn’t return it to me. Allow me to feel it.
Instead I was used, Instead I was hurt. I was a plaything, a pound of flesh and bone to be toyed with.
As they walked away I felt something on my face. Something warm and wet. My fingers moved to my cheek and I pulled them away finding a tear. A tear. Why was I crying?. Why did I care?. Why did my chest hurt?. My stomach in knots. I felt pain, a shock of it running through my mind. My hands shook and my heart raced. I stepped out of the small room I moved down the hallway, my fingertips stretched out as I touched the smooth wall to either side before getting to the bathroom to wash up.
I turn on the hot water, my eyes trailing down to find an old straight razor. As the steam rises and coats the mirror my hand drifts to it. I stare at the blade, still shiny and sharp, well taken care of. It wouldn’t take much. Just a small flick, a quick movement up my arm. It would be over. I’d never have to smell either of them again, feel the sickness and pain. I’d never close my eyes and see my past. It would be done, over. I’d be free.
I took a deep breath putting the razor down, my hand moving up to the mirror wiping away the condensation, I laugh to myself as a smirk comes across my lips. I’ll show them all. I’ll bring it all down around them….it gives me purpose….a reason….
