Post by JMav/JGold/RNorth/MKarloff on Jul 16, 2017 21:29:57 GMT -5
Big Match Johnny
"Look, all I'm saying is I've never seen Ted Cruz and the Zodiac Killer in the same place before. That's evidence enough for me." Johnny Maverick says to someone off-camera. That person informs him that they are filming and he raises an eyebrow and turns to look at the camera.
"It's all in the cipher folks, I'm telling you... Greetings Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Neighbors, fellow vibrations in the mind of the one true God whose name is Love. Welcome back to my Mind Palace which, as always, I can neither confirm or deny being a room in a public access television station I have broken into in the sense that I am unable of conforming or denying to any viewer that I am actually a figment of their imagination. Today we are going to address something that has been weighing heavilly on my astounding mind. I know the accusations that have been levelled at Ted Cruz may seem severe....but that's just because you haven't heard the accusations I intend to direct at John Blade!" Johnny says. He snaps and a projector is activated by one of his Hoodie Ninjas. It shows a picture of John Blade.
"This is John Blade. A legend in his own right but what if I told you that he was far more legendary than you thought possible? Let's look closely at his skull structure. Strong jaw, sloped forehead, and a highly prominent brow. There is little to no hair on his body save for his head which would imply constant shaving and or waxing. If you also take into account his limited mastery of the english language we can arrive at only one conclusion." Johnny says. The projector switches slides to show a picture of a...well we'll let Johnny explain it.
"John Blade is a shaved Bigfoot." Johnny states aloud and pauses so it can sink in.
"I know this is difficult to believe, but would you believe that he has been taunting us with this knowledge for some time? Imagine a Sasquatch living amongst wrestlers and telling them that we can't see him. Want to go deeper? How about the FACT that Bigfoot is regularly sighted in the same areas that UFO's are sighted. Now a lot of people would dismiss that bit of trivia, saying that they are both sighted in the same places because those are places that gullible rednecks on drugs frequent but if you look at it from a more logical standpoint, the truth is clear. The Sasquatch is an Alien race. Yeah, I know it makes perfect sense. I'll give you a second to repack your brain into your skull after that mind-blowing revelation." Johnny says, actually giving us some time.
"So, John Blade is a shaved Alien Sasquatch. I feel like this revelation makes almost TOO much sense to be considered a revelation. Like 'The sky is blue', or 'raisins lend a raisiny taste to foods' or 'Queen Elizabeth has lived for so long because she feasts on human flesh and the entire Royal Family are cannibals'. Simple stuff that everyone with a lick of common sense knows." Johnny says, he snaps and we switch to a new slide on the projector.
"On one hand I am happy to be in this match as it gives me a chance to show the world that my theories are not 'silly' or 'insane' by capturing an Alien Bigfoot and donating his body to science so ha can be analyzed, but on the other hand...well..." Johnny says.
"Truth be told I would like some more challenging fare before I face Yujiro but I guess this will have to do because though Devlin Scott is secretly in LOVE with me he sure doesn't seem to know how to properly book me. I should be tangling with the best this company has to offer every week! Put me up against every scary monster this company has to offer. Give me Coda or Mason or fuck, Shields was the obvious choice! Even if he's stopped talking like a King and is wearing a Jason mask... which is, by the way, some PRIMO gimmick infringement against Marty Karloff who has been doing the Horror Movie villain thing in Redemption since it friggin opened. Is Devvy trying to protect me? Does he not want to get the object of his affections hurt? I'm flattered Devlin but Jesus, bring me a challenge. I mean, last week your girlfriend capitalized on my work and stole my pin in my goddamn hometown right before my GODDAMN BIRTHDAY but I don't hold you responsible for your lady being a terrible two-faced person." Johnny says grumbling slightly.
"Anyhoozle, I could sit here and talk to you guys about Flat Earth Theory or the Ice Bucket Challenge being a hoax to baptize youth into the Church of Satan for hours but right now I kinda need to talk to Yujiro for a little bit. You did it, kid. You overcame the odds. So many people told you you weren't the guy and you proved them wrong. I like that. I really do. It makes me regret that I have to be the guy to take it all away from you. Honestly, I really would have preferred to get my shot at Shields but this changes very little. The regret I feel for what I have to do to you is barely a blip compared to how bad I want that Championship. I'll have more to say to you shortly but right now? I want you to hold that title close to you. I want it pre-warmed so my waist doesn't get chilly." Johnny says with a smirk.
"Anyway, I'm not getting ahead of myself. I have a Sasquatch to hunt first." Johnny says, we hear something offscreen.
"Oh shitfuck, apparently some folks who wanted to film a cooking show have called security on us. Uhm....ffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Alright uh. Never Give Up, Never Surrender, Never Relent. Psychic Warfare is Real... Are those all my catchphrases? I feel like maybe I have another and uh....oh shit. Ninjas! Protective barrier!" Johnny says. The camera falls onto the ground and we see Johnny making his way out of the room surrounded by Hoodie Ninjas.
