Post by Alex Jones on Jul 10, 2017 4:24:50 GMT -5
Las Vegas Nevada
5 Years ago
Bzzzzzz
Bzzzzzz
I open my eyes, they struggle to focus in the darkness. My body feels heavy, not enough rest to heal the overused muscles and tender joints. My hair tied back with a few errant strands dangling down the side. The moonlight from outside the window shines into the room giving it a dark blue fade that seems to bounce off the various shapes and create shadows.
Bzzzzzz
Bzzzzzz
The noise that woke me, along with a light from the touch screen of my phone. My mind tells me to leave it, to roll over and go back to sleep, but my hand reaches the hard wood of the bedsides drawers. My fingers pull the phone to me as I push up and spin onto my back, the light from the screen glaring into my eyes almost blinding me.
I read over the text, the words a blur as the meaning seeps in as well as the person who sent them. My heart races, I have no idea what to say, how to say it or even if I should. But a sudden need and want overtakes me and my fingers move in reply, a sigh escapes my lips as the digitized message gets sent out through the airwaves. My phone sits back next to me as I try and drift off to sleep.
Bzzzzzz
Bzzzzzz
Another one, why?. Why does she torture me like this?. All I want is sleep, a realm where she can’t get into my head. At Least not in a way I can remember. Her presence in my subconscious disappears as quickly as my eyes open, and only a distant memory remains. But this, this is wrong. I was warned, I was told by people who care. But I can’t stop, I can’t pull my eyes away from the phone or the words on the screen And I can’t stop replying….
Part of me wants to say no. Part of me wants it to end…….
But then, I wouldn’t feel alive…
Las Vegas Nevada
5 years ago
The Greatest Lie
A line of tiny bottles sits on the table. Varying brands and types of alcohol. Vodka. Tequila. Whisky. Rum. All lined up like little clear soldiers, now empty. My hands stretch over the dark hardwood table as a single light from the kitchen keeps a low hue in the room. I lift up the tiny bottle of Johnnie Walker and down it. My mind flashes back to the flowing blonde hair. Her sweet honeyed voice fresh in my mind.
I miss you.
I swallow the liquid, it flows down my throat and down my body warming me up from the inside out. The sting feeling good, familiar. Like home. My heart sinks as I think to what we were, what we’ve become. What SHE has become. What HE made her. My heart hurts, my stomach swells with hate and before I know it the bottle is out of my hands and against the wall, a fallen soldier.
I love you.
Was it a lie?. Is it a lie?. I want her in my arms, I need her. Tara, Tanya, Shelly, none of them understood me. Not like her. My hands shake, my eyes blur as the full brunt of the alcohol hits me. The room spins as I look up to the ceiling and then out the window to the street below. I pull out my phone, my hands tremble, this is a bad idea….stop it you idiot….
“Hello?”
Her voice sounded tired, and quiet. She was trying to sound discreet, I hear the ruffling of sheets as my heart sinks again, the anger and sadness mixed together wells up inside me like some kind of pressurized spring.
“Hey”
My voice is calm, measured, I try to hide my current mental and physical state. I hear a door close in the background. She’s alone now and finally mine.
“Alex?...what are you doing?....”
I swallow hard and gather my thoughts. I know this is a bad idea. I know what we are doing. I know we can’t be together. But I don’t give a fuck anymore.
“I just. I just needed to hear your voice. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care what it means for my career, my life, my kids….I just want you….”
I close my eyes as I run a hand over my head and to my shoulder, I hear her voice break, her own emotions betray her as she attempts to be the voice of reason.
“I know. But we know what we’re doing. We have to wait. You know I love you….you know it right?”
For the first time in a long time I hear her insecurities. Even as she maintains control she lets a little through. Now I know I’m not alone. She is always with me.
“Yeah I know.....and I know it’s not much longer….I love you….I’ll talk to you soon….”
I hang up and sigh feeling a little better, but still knowing I’m alone, I get to my feet and move to the bed laying down, the room spins again, then everything goes black
Alex’s Home Las Vegas Nevada.
A year ago
I sat alone in my large spacious home on the outskirts of Vegas. The silence was deafening as I heard it build in my ears. The silencer had been gone a while ago, replaced by the lovely voice of my daughter Harley. But she was gone now, back with her mother. The look of disdain that woman gave me a reminder of what she along with the rest of the world thought of me.
A emptiness inside was almost too much to bare. The feeling of just being alone and having nothing to distract me. Ana was gone, Jean was gone, Sadie was gone. I let them all go, pushed them all away and now the one person in this world who could make me smile and forget it all was also gone. My mind wandered to all my daughter, my relationship with her a casualty in my divorce and my actions and the ensuing fallout.
My eyes trailed over to a picture. Myself with Harley. I couldn’t help but close my eyes and look away, before I knew it I was on my feet moving to the fridge. I pulled out a beer and drank it down. As I closed the fridge a few things caught my eye.
Pictures, me, Harley, Ana, Sadie. I shook my head and threw my hand to the side, before I knew it the beer bottle had left my hand and exploded against the wall. I took a deep breath and shook my head, my heart seemed to fall from my chest and hit my stomach like a ton of bricks. I was alone, and now I actually felt it.
Moving through the house I could see remnants from my relationships, from my daughter. But there was something missing. There was nothing of Ana. it felt like she had been erased from my life. Lost in a sea of smaller memories, some with women that lasted a night or a week. Some who meant nothing, others who meant more. But none meant more than her.
I stopped and opened a draw reaching in to find something. I pulled it out feeling the cold metal in my hand as it slowly opened. I wasn’t ready for the emotions I’d feel or the hatred that would burn in my heart. Not hatred of her, not even hatred for Jean the young woman who has a hand in my self destruction. But hatred and anger for myself. There sitting in my palm shining under the light was my wedding ring…..
I couldn’t help but grit my teeth slamming my hand on the table, I heard a rattle and something drop, my eyes trailing down to it. A silver chain, it’s clasp catching the edge of the table and dangling from it and at the end a small silver angel. I let out a small sharp breath as my hands cradled it and brought it up to my chest. The pain, the anger and rage all built up and for a moment I couldn’t see anything, my body slammed against the wall and I slid down pulling my knee’s to my chest, the back of my head slamming against the wall over and over again in an almost involuntary fashion.
My hand wrapped around the angel so tight the sharp silver wings cut into my flesh and into the muscles in my hand as blood dropped from it to the floor. I looked up and my breathing was laboured. I was in hell…..A devil in a hell of my own creation.
“I belong here….”
So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away - you're all the same
Angels lie to keep control...
Ooh, my love was punished long ago
If you still care, don't ever let me know
If you still care, don't ever let me know…
