Post by Blair Kivisto on Jul 7, 2017 2:33:10 GMT -5
~Personal Blog Entry~
A lot of things change over short periods of time. I never thought I'd go more than a week without my heart aching. My life has been one disappointment after the other it seems and eventually you have to wonder… Does it get better? Is there ever a point where the pain stops and you get a shining moment of pure joy?
Ever since I was little, the smallest bit of good was followed by a ton of bad. Aside from my unfortunate upbringing I found fame in fighting. God damn did I get sucked in to the attention and the gold. However… It wasn't always about fighting. There was a time in my life that my career path was set on music. I was a part of a band back in Finland, made up of myself, two of my childhood friends and my best friend Sarah… She was our fearless leader. She was the woman that would take the mic every night and put her voice on the line.
This woman changed my life. We happened to meet in a bar one night when I was back home. We hit it off right away, I was drawn to her lack of caring about what others might have thought about her. Having been judged my whole life that was one of the things I feared but she helped me realize what other people thought of me didn't fucking matter one bit as long as I was happy with myself.
I will always remember her, her bright smile… Her approach to the stage whenever we had to perform. She was so full of life, love and happiness… That's why it came as a complete shock that one night.
The night that changed everything. The night I turned my back on music for a while… A single bullet, a note of pure devastation, a mask pulled free from where it was. July 15th is a day that will always be in my mind. She had all of us fooled, deep down she wasn't happy, she didn't feel like she could fully trust anyone enough to share those thoughts… She figured the best option was ending her own life.
I named my daughter after her to honor her memory. I still make sure everyday to live life to the fullest because of what I learned from knowing her.
‘Do not judge my life based on the chapter you walked in on.’
I've lost family, I've lost friends, I've lost myself more times than I care to count. I've been married a grand total of four times, five if you want to count a Vegas mishap. I've survived abuse, heartbreak, complete devastation and at the end of the day I'm still standing. I'm not hooked on drugs, or alcohol. I've managed to build a family, I've managed to make something of myself.
The words of one person don't affect me. The words of many don't do anything to me because I know what's important in my life. I know who I am and I know what I have. I don't have a need to justify myself to anyone, I don't crave anyone's approval. If you don't like me based on the little bit you see of me on camera that's on you.
Call me a whore, say I'm untalented, tell me I'm a classless bitch, call me average. I don't care. For each person out there that dislikes me, there's two more with very different opinions.
For each negative comment about my looks, there's a man at home making me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and I can tell you straight out, his opinion is the only one that matters in that regard. I don't need to be viewed as the sexiest thing in the world but I know what I'm working with and I know… For a 34 year old that's had three children, there's nothing average about it.
I've worked too long and too hard to dwell on such things. I'm Blair Kivistö and the only approval needed is my own. K thnx, piss off.
~Fin~
A lot of things change over short periods of time. I never thought I'd go more than a week without my heart aching. My life has been one disappointment after the other it seems and eventually you have to wonder… Does it get better? Is there ever a point where the pain stops and you get a shining moment of pure joy?
Ever since I was little, the smallest bit of good was followed by a ton of bad. Aside from my unfortunate upbringing I found fame in fighting. God damn did I get sucked in to the attention and the gold. However… It wasn't always about fighting. There was a time in my life that my career path was set on music. I was a part of a band back in Finland, made up of myself, two of my childhood friends and my best friend Sarah… She was our fearless leader. She was the woman that would take the mic every night and put her voice on the line.
This woman changed my life. We happened to meet in a bar one night when I was back home. We hit it off right away, I was drawn to her lack of caring about what others might have thought about her. Having been judged my whole life that was one of the things I feared but she helped me realize what other people thought of me didn't fucking matter one bit as long as I was happy with myself.
I will always remember her, her bright smile… Her approach to the stage whenever we had to perform. She was so full of life, love and happiness… That's why it came as a complete shock that one night.
The night that changed everything. The night I turned my back on music for a while… A single bullet, a note of pure devastation, a mask pulled free from where it was. July 15th is a day that will always be in my mind. She had all of us fooled, deep down she wasn't happy, she didn't feel like she could fully trust anyone enough to share those thoughts… She figured the best option was ending her own life.
I named my daughter after her to honor her memory. I still make sure everyday to live life to the fullest because of what I learned from knowing her.
‘Do not judge my life based on the chapter you walked in on.’
I've lost family, I've lost friends, I've lost myself more times than I care to count. I've been married a grand total of four times, five if you want to count a Vegas mishap. I've survived abuse, heartbreak, complete devastation and at the end of the day I'm still standing. I'm not hooked on drugs, or alcohol. I've managed to build a family, I've managed to make something of myself.
The words of one person don't affect me. The words of many don't do anything to me because I know what's important in my life. I know who I am and I know what I have. I don't have a need to justify myself to anyone, I don't crave anyone's approval. If you don't like me based on the little bit you see of me on camera that's on you.
Call me a whore, say I'm untalented, tell me I'm a classless bitch, call me average. I don't care. For each person out there that dislikes me, there's two more with very different opinions.
For each negative comment about my looks, there's a man at home making me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and I can tell you straight out, his opinion is the only one that matters in that regard. I don't need to be viewed as the sexiest thing in the world but I know what I'm working with and I know… For a 34 year old that's had three children, there's nothing average about it.
I've worked too long and too hard to dwell on such things. I'm Blair Kivistö and the only approval needed is my own. K thnx, piss off.
~Fin~
