Post by Caroline O'Hara Burchill on Jul 2, 2017 2:06:30 GMT -5
CAROLINE
the new classic.
“I don't think you should be beating yourself up like this, Caroline.”
The concerned eyes of Amy Scottsfiern glanced over at the woman before her. In front of her own agent, Caroline O’Hara Burchill was a complete mess. Her throat ached and felt sore after the wretched bile came up violently, hurling out into the toilet. Her eyes were watery and she leaned forward as the last bit of her own vomit dribbled from her lips. Here she was, helpless in the misery that she brought onto herself, and there was nothing that she could do.
Caroline was powerless.
She truly hated this feeling. Being so vulnerable and weak. However, she has been abusing herself for months. The pressures that came with trying to add merit to her name greatly messed with the mind of Caroline. She went through strenuous training regimens, often spending hours upon hours doing everything underneath the sun to improve herself. On top of that, she had been neglecting her own body. There had been days where she hadn't given her body the proper nourishment that it needed, and soon enough, she would pay for her reckless negligence.
Just like how she was paying for it right now.
Still, despite the lightheaded feeling that began to take residence in her head, Caroline gripped the sides of the toilet to study herself as she stood up. The remnants of her mascara and eyeliner painted her face with despair as the inky trails came down. Her arms quivered, but Caroline mustered up as much strength as she could to make sure that she didn't collapse.
Of course, seeing all of this, Amy nearly panicked.
“This is exactly what I was talking to you about,” Amy said with a sigh. “You're overworking yourself and this is what happens to you when you don't take care of yourself.”
Burchill, disregarding everything, simply laughed and shook her head. Granted, she was in denial. She never believed that she was overworking herself - at least to the extent that it was detrimental for her. She had been juggling three promotions, and she wanted nothing more than to be at the top in all of them. That kind of motivation has always been something innate to her; something so intangible that she could never get rid of. Even if it took a toll on her, Caroline couldn't stop.
“No, Amy, I'm fine,” Caroline said, albeit weakly as she took the moment to close her eyes. “I'm alright…”
“No the fuck you aren't. I see what's been going on with you, Caroline.”
“Oh gosh, don't overreact,” Burchill groaned, rubbing the temples of her head as she wined. However, Amy wasn't letting up and got closer to Caroline.
“Caroline, you need to understand how serious this is,” she urged, placing her hands on the woman’s shoulders firmly. “You're a mess. You've been getting yourself caught up in all these matches and tournaments and other things! I know you want to gain more exposure, but don't do it at the expense of your own well-being.”
Once again, Caroline laughed. It was clear she found Amy’s words to be ridiculous, and that was way she swatted the woman away as she turned the sink faucet on.
“Amy, I think you need to relax and not take all of this seriously.”
“I think I have every dann right to be taking this seriously because I'm sick and tired of seeing my friend degrade herself and either exhausting herself or hurling over a goddamn toilet bowl!”
By then, Amy began to shake as her emotions finally got the best of her. Her hands clenched into fists and her eyes became more hardened as she watched Caroline splashing a handful of water on her face.
“Why won't you understand that,” Amy asked. However, her voice cracked a bit as that question slipped through her lips. Her own eyed began to tear up, though Caroline didn't really seem to care at all. The Aussie just signed and continued to splash water on her face until she felt a little better.
“Well, Amy, sometimes… people have to make sacrifices, and that includes making sacrifices on themselves.”
Caroline walked past Amy, brushing her shoulder against hers as she went out to the bed and grabbed the towel that was draped across it. Amy followed behind, folding her arms.
“Yeah, but ask yourself. Is it honestly worth it?”
“What do you mean by that,” Burchill asked, towel-drying her face. Amy, growing a bit frustrated, breathed in and then exhaled, all in an effort to calm herself down. The last thing she wanted was to get in a verbal spat with Caroline.
“Look. I understand why you're doing all of this, but Caroline… you're doing too much. You can't keep going on like this forever.”
Caroline didn't respond. She folded the towel up and placed it back down on the bed.
Once again, Caroline was downplaying everything, and Amy wasn't sure how to handle it. It pained her deep down to see how apathetic Caroline was and how quickly she disregarded everything. All Amy did was look out for her. She didn't want to see her own friend break herself down like this… and although she tried her hardest, Amy just wasn't sure how to handle it all anymore.
Tucking a loose strand behind her ear, Amy forced Caroline to turn around to look at her. The distant hazel-green eyes of Burchill met with the soft blue eyes of Scottsfiern. Initially, it made Caroline feel uncomfortable, which was why she tried to back away. However, Amy placed her hands on her shoulders and tightened her grip a bit, making sure that the woman she was looking at would understand that this was serious… and that they desperately needed to talk.
“Are all of those titles that you want to chase after worth it in the end if you feel miserable while going for them,” Amy proceeded to ask. “What's the point?”
In that moment, Caroline rolled her eyes and shifted her gaze away from Amy. Still, that never deterred Scottsfiern from continuing on.
“Fame or glory or whatever it is that you want to call it doesn't mean shit if you're going to abuse yourself day in and day out just for the sake getting all of those things. Besides, how do you expect to last long in wrestling if you're doing this yourself?”
“You just don't get it, Amy,” Caroline harshly retorted, suddenly jerking herself away from Amy.
Slowly but surely, Caroline herself grew to be more ticked off as she began to pace back and forth within the hotel room. However, Amy snapped.
“Then help me understand, because no normal person would do this to themselves,” she shouted, throwing her hands wildly up and then down by her sides in fury.
“You will never understand me,” Caroline shouted back, this time getting right up in Amy’s face. “You and everyone else will never understand how the fuck I feel because you haven't been through the things that I have!”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Caroline,” Amy said in disbelief, shaking her head and pinching the bridge of her nose. “You act as if no one is here to reach out to you. I'm reaching out to you!”
“Well, don't fucking reach out to me then, because I don't want none of that shit.”
By then, everything between the two women escalated into a screaming match.
“Well then, what is it that you want then?!”
“I don't want anything!”
“But Caroline, you're not helping yourself or me out by doing this sort of crap! Just tell me what the point in all of this is!”
Their faces contorted with rage as they screamed and yelled at each other, one by one and going back and forth. Caroline remained distant and tried to brush Amy off, but Amy was pressuring her. Eventually, Caroline cracked and plopped herself down on the bed, covering her face as she screamed.
Then everything settled down.
The thick air of silence would come in between the two as the anger and frustration of both women gradually faded off. Amy could feel her heart beating rapidly after the fierce exchange, though she did her best to relax as she would sit down on the other side of the bed with her back facing Caroline. It remained like that for a few minutes. The whole spontaneity of this situation took everything out from them and by the weary look on their faces and how much their heads throbbed, they were exhausted.
Eventually though, Caroline uncovered her face and slowly turned her head so that she could glance over at Amy.
“You really want to know what the point is?”
There was no strength behind this words. Her voice was soft and fatigued, reflecting just how weak Caroline was on the inside and out. Amy, who had been sitting in complete silence to collect herself looked back over her shoulder to look at the Aussie.
“Yeah,” Amy sighed out. “I do.”
“The point is that I'm sick and tired of being treated like shit.”
Bluntly stated, Caroline then looked up at the ceiling as she gathered her thoughts. She felt like a woman that had a heavy chip on her shoulder that she could never get rid of. It was stuck with her, nagging and teasing her almost all the time. Even after proving herself on a constant basis, she felt like she still had her work cut out for her.
And Caroline hated it. The comments and remarks from those around her had got to her. Although she acted as if she was unbothered, the truth was that she
“I finally won a title back in March, and yet everyone wants to downplay it. They keep throwing in all of these excuses and demoralizing ways to make me feel like I will never matter.”
A hint of bitterness lingers in her voice as she laid there, scoffing to herself.
“I mean, there are wrestlers out there who are so recognizable and universally revered… And yet here I am, barely having my worth acknowledged.”
“Caroline…,” Amy softly said, turning herself around some more to look at her. However, Caroline rose her hand and shook her head.
“No, no. I'm… I'm good. It’s just that I want people to stop overlooking me. I want people to see me for the merit I carry and… I just want people to respect me. That's all.”
Biting her bottom lip, she could feel the tears streaming down her face.
“But it feels like I can never do enough to gain any of that...”
Seeing how emotional Caroline became, Amy took it upon herself to scoot closer to her, laying next to her as she tried to comfort her.
“Caroline, you don't need to concern yourself with what other people think,” Amy assured, smiling a bit. “You're a champion. You're doing good for yourself as is. There's no need for you to beat yourself up just because a wrestler might try to bring you down.”
Wiping her own tears away, Caroline looked back at Amy, listening to her as she carried on with what she had to say.
“Besides, that's what people do in this business. They talk a lot of shit. That's just how it is.”
Amy shrugged her shoulders.
“They're just looking for anything they can to devalue you and make you feel like you're below them. Don't give them that kind of satisfaction. Ever.”
As she laid there, Caroline took the time to really understand Amy and what she was saying. She was right - people would always find a way to cut her down. Caroline realized that she allowed for them to get underneath her skin and tear her apart this whole time. All of the training and nonstop traveling… it was all because she was desperate for validation. But beyond that, she wanted that validation to come from everyone. She wanted the admiration and the respect. She just wanted her name to matter. Undoubtedly, she became too fixated on all of that, which was why she was the way that she was.
She had to stop it.
“Alright… I'll try,” Caroline said, having a faint smile on her face. Amy’s smile grew wider, becoming pleased with the fact that Caroline took her words to heart
“Good,” Amy responded, looking a bit more relieved as she got up from the bed and picked her purse up from the nightstand. “Now, I don't know about you, but I'm hungry. Gonna go out and get some grub from the Chinese place nearby.”
Fumbling with her purse, Amy walked up to the door as she was preparing to leave. However, she stopped by the door before she could actually leave.
“Oh, and Caroline?”
“Yes?”
“Stop crying. It's weird seeing you do that.”
The light-hearted quip made Amy laugh. Caroline rolled her eyes and frowned, though it was all in an attempt to prevent herself from laughing.
“Go fuck yourself,” she bluntly stated, garnering even more laughter from her agent.
“That's more like it,” Amy said before finally choosing to walk out the door. Now by herself, Caroline ran a hand through her hair as she laid in the bed, thinking about everything that happened.
All of the stress and exhaustion culminated from her own desperation. She did hurt herself one too many times just to pick up some of the biggest wins of her career. It was risky of her to do that to herself, and as Caroline laid there, she truly questioned herself about if everything that she was doing to herself was going to pay off in the end. Was it all worth the burden?
Maybe not, but suddenly just stopping wasn't realistic. She made a promise to herself that she was going to make a mark of the world, and she already started on doing just that. She did need to chill, but at this point, halting herself after all of the progress she’s made was out of the question for Caroline O’Hara Burchill.
She came this far, so she might as well finish it. She just needed to reevaluate her priorities. Through the tumultuous highs and lows, she needed to keep going.
Even if it meant that living to create a dynasty was going to be death of her.
