Post by Kayla Richards on Jul 1, 2017 0:17:46 GMT -5
Savior
Feel
I was almost saved you know?. A few years ago. I was almost pulled out of it all. See while having no emotions and being able to just turn off can be useful, it can also feel like your own personal hell. Your relationships crumble, you never feel like you’re enough or that it’s even fair. Part of you doesn’t care but there is always that little spark that wants to do what is right for others. That wants to be a good person.
If you can’t be the person your family and friends deserve then shouldn’t you just walk away and disappear?. If all they do is worry and it impacts their lives then shouldn’t you do them a favor and just go?. There came a time when I thought that was for the best. My sister was gone, my brother was gone and my father was dead. It was my mother, and me. And all I did was make her worry. Tasmin was a teenager and in boarding school in London, she had her own life to worry about and my mother now free of my father’s abuse and bullshit now had a new reason to stay up all night worrying….
Me.
I was out on the town, I was doing whatever, and whoever I wanted. I would come home at 4am smelling of cheap alcohol, a pocketful of money and often some weed or a pill or two. I had no life or direction. I was spiralling and she had no idea how to fix it. Thing is she couldn’t fix it. No one could. Only I could pull that plane out of its nosedive but I didn’t want to.
So one night I left my mother’s home. I left her alone to live her life and no longer worry about me. I left her a note, I packed my bags and went to London. There I could keep half an eye on my baby sister and look for my older brother while being able to continue the lovely self destructive lifestyle that had become my trademark. But Brett was still in my life. No matter how wrong I treated him, no matter how many times I laughed off his romantic work or his sweet words he was there.
If I drank to much he’d hold back my hair. If I felt sick he’d check on me. If I got in a fight he’d get my drunk ass out of the pub. This is what Brett did and it slowly built up. I felt like I was drowning, that the world was water and it was slowly coming over my eyes and body. It was filling my nose and mouth and I couldn’t breathe and as I sank the entire world was going black. I felt it fill my lungs and every single day was like I was choking and gasping just to survive. But then through the darkness he grabbed my hand and pulled me back from the brink.
And this is where you see my true colours. Cause even a savior couldn’t find a place in my heart…
London England
5 Years Ago
Take my hand….
My fingers slowly moved along the plastic cylinder. The liquid inside was almost clear with only a slight yellow tinge. I looked around my bathroom with a sigh. My body was already out of it due to the shots of whisky and the weed. But I needed more. For the first time the alcohol and weed weren’t enough to stop it. They weren’t enough to finish keeping me numb. I needed something else. Something harder….
A guy at the pub said he knew what I needed. He promised to hook me up and the first taste was free. I brought it home, I put the powder on a spoon and heated it up. I marvelled as it slowly dissolved into a liquid and I soaked it up through the cotton. And now it sat in front of me, all in this little plastic syringe. And here I was sitting on the floor in my underwear. My hair was a mess, my makeup smeared from crying. But even in this sad, desperate state I had my doubts. The trepidation was always there….
But then it hit, the headache. All I wanted was for the pain to stop for the headaches to go away. It was like pressure, build up in my skull. I wanted to take a drill to my head and let all that pressure out. I wanted it to just go away. Normally my own indifference and the mixture of herb and alcohol did it but not this time. Not anymore. It had been so long since I cried. So long since I let it out that the tears burned my eyes and cheeks.
It felt like Lava….
I needed to do it. I needed anything to stop it. Before I knew it I had the rubber around my arm. I felt the sting of the needle piercing my skin. But this wasn’t like a tattoo sting. This was something else. Something different. I pushed the end, the liquid started to disappear as a small amount of blood flowed back into the needle. But then I could feel it. I felt it work it’s way through my body and as it did I felt the humanity get pushed back. I felt the person I was disappear and for a moment I knew the true freedom and ecstasy of death…
I felt the hands on my chest, I felt his mouth on mine. I heard the anguish in his voice and my eyes opened. There he was. Brett. His long hair flowing down as he panicked. All the peace I felt was gone and now the pain of life flowed through. I could breathe again, I could see the reality and now. Because of him I could feel. And at that moment when I turned and looked into his eyes, the life saving eyes full of love, all I felt was anger. He smiled and breathed out hard as a few tears fell. Brett put his arms around me and sighed but as he pulled away I was only able to manage three little words towards him.
“I hate you….”
