Post by Kayla Richards on Jun 29, 2017 21:36:06 GMT -5
Cruelty
The Forgotten One
When you know all the emotional depth in your body has either left you or is now hidden you seem to gain a rush of freedom. You feel bulletproof. A strange feeling when the path that led you to that freedom was one filled with humiliation and pain. Often with a feeling of being trapped and jailed. It is so claustrophobic. You can feel like you’re being squeezed all the time and after a while you can’t breathe. And it’s in those moments, where the breath leaves your lungs and you struggle that a kind of peace falls over you and you realise that if you simply let go...well they can’t hurt you anymore.
The first 4 or 5 years after my awakening I was still faking that I had any moral or emotional capability. I still smiled, I still laughed. But it was a reflex and It happened at odd times. I started to find myself forgetting how to act in social situations so I simply stopped reacting. Amber noticed. My mother noticed. Even my father noticed when I stopped crying during. It’s strange, that seemed to anger him more than anything, it caused him to become more rough with me.
But there was a side effect. See friends who knew me said I changed. I became someone they didn’t want to spend time with. I became cruel. I even acted and dressed different. I became what I hated. I started acting flirty towards almost every guy I met, using them for my own gain. I didn’t care. At 16 years old I was flaunting myself in clubs, dressing in tiny skirts and tight low cut tops. Dancing with other girls to get drinks.
I just didn’t care….
Most of the time the guys deserved what they got. Nothing. I took their money, the drinks the gifts and gave them nothing but a smile and a case of blue balls. I didn’t even think that someone might actually like me, or want to know me for me. Or care about me. And even if that thought entered my mind I’m sure I wouldn’t have cared. That’s just how I was and am. But one boy did. I call him a boy cause despite being 18 his little head was filled with thoughts of love and romance. Some form of happiness.
That isn’t how the world works.
But he did care, he was sweet. He didn’t just throw gifts at me, he didn’t just buy things that were expensive. If he gave me a gift it was something that was of meaning. And I wasn’t prepared for it and I didn’t know how to deal with it. He made something stir in me, he made me want to care, he made me wish I could feel and that’s why I had to destroy him. And those are the moments that made me go from someone who was just unfeeling to someone mean, cruel and horrid.
Moments like that turned me into a monster. Moments like that didn’t just keep my humanity buried, they brought out the worst part of me. The part that enjoyed crushing others hopes and dreams. And don’t get it twisted. This isn’t regret, this isn’t me lamenting over a fallen friend or someone I could of loved. This is just honesty. This is just my story. And in my story, in this part atleast. I’m the villain.
Words only lead me to the cracks in my disguise.
My flesh a prison for the man behind these eyes.
I sing the epitaph for an unnamed king.
Carved in this tombstone all the lost pieces of me.
How far is the distance between you and I?
How long before this silence dies?
London England
7 Year Ago
I don’t care….
“I don’t know why you let them treat ya that way Kay…”
Brett stared at me from across the bar, his long hair tied back as he scratched at a fresh tattoo under his long sleeved shirt on his forearm. I just shook my head and stared down at my own fresh ink. A small tat on my inner right arm. It was my first,definitely not my last. I took the vodka and orange in my hand and gave it a long sip before sliding down next to Brett. He and I were friends, had been for a few years. He leaned close and looked at my arm, I smirked and shrugged as another guy came up, his hand drifting down my back and around my hip.
He whispered in my ear, a few sweet nothings about how I was a “pretty little thing” he bought me another drink as I finished my first. He offered me dinner to which I declined. I took my fresh drink and turned back to Brett drinking it down with an arrogant smile. Brett just rolled his pretty green eyes at me and paid for his own beer. “You know this is a great way to have a fun but cheap night.” I laughed to myself and finished my drink before raising an eyebrow at him, I went to find another sucker but Brett surprised me stopping me by ordering another for me and sitting back.
“You could always just have fun with me Kay.” He gave me a sweet grin, my heart sank, I didn’t like that feeling. I turned away and grabbed the glass giving him a small thank you wave before walking over to a table of young workers who had just come in from a hard shift. I leaned across the table deliberately pushing my arms together. They all stared and they all talked at the same time not even looking to see if I was listening.
After a few moments they all wanted a dance, they all tried for a feel. All of them fighting for attention like a pack of dogs over a bone. Only this bone wasn’t giving anything in return. I stood in the middle and simply moved my body to the music. One of them stepped forward and slide some money into my hand. He told me to go get a room across the street, he’d by the alcohol and some food and we could have a real night out. I chuckled and gave him a nod turning heading towards the door signalling to Brett. He followed and headed out into the street handing me my leather jacket.
“Kay, what did you do?” I just smiled and held up the 300 pounds I just got given, Brett seemed speechless as I just skipped down the road. “He must have thought I was a working girl. I wonder what gave him that idea…” I laughed again as I turned a corner getting to Brett's place. “So, pizza?” He shook his head and before I could head in he grabbed my arm. “Hey wait….”
I raised an eyebrow. He looked a little sheepish as he looked at his arm, he rolled up his sleeve to show me his new tattoo. It was a pinup, really cool looking, long black hair, green eyes. Then it hit me. Oh fuck. “Brett, is that...me?” He swallowed and went red, his eyes darting away as he smiled and gave me a small nod. “Yeah, it’s you Kay. Sort of a tribute ya know?. And to show how I feel about yo-” “Feel?” It was a reflex, truthfully I didn’t actually feel anything. But I laughed, I laughed so hard that I thought I was going to pass out from the blood loss, Brett looked down, his face going white not as he took deep breaths in to stop the tears.
“I’m not that kinda girl Brett…..”
