Post by Kayla Richards on Jun 27, 2017 20:38:09 GMT -5
Lost
What you do to me…
Maybe a monster isn’t exactly the right word to use when talking about myself as a young woman. A pre teen lost in the industrial hell I was raised in. Norwich is a shitty little lower middle class hole. A “workmans city”. It’s a nice way of saying it’s a run down collection of brick and mortar houses packed together really close. There’s the standard level of crime and stupidity. And kids, well we usually get left up to our own devices since our parents worked.
I remember walking the streets with my friends. I remember being out after dark and doing what I wanted. By the time I was 11 no one really cared. Except Amber. As she grew into a teenager she became more of an overbearing mother. Which seemed to work since our mother…
Well….
Our mother started drinking. Drinking to deal with the realisation that she married a soulless horrid pervert. Jackson, our older brother had taken off, the day of his sixteenth birthday he was gone. And Tasmin?. Well at 5 years old she was the little angel. And I had taken to doing what Amber had done for me all those years ago. When I knew the old man needed...servicing….I would take the bullet. But I was determined, I was sure that he was not going to touch her..
Amber and I were ruined. We were broken. We were damaged goods. She had never been able to connect with any boys and have a normal relationship. She would go for older boys, ones that were rough and violent. Often deliberately pissing them off and then when they didn’t hit her she’d laugh and walk away. I guess it was her way of dealing with it all. I suppose we should of seen it all coming right?
She became overly promiscuous. I had a different effect. At first. See I wasn’t the monster I am now. There was still some humanity left in me when I was 11. I was Still fragile. I understood at that age what was happening to me. That it shouldn’t be what ruled my life and it just should not be happening. But I had no idea how to stop it or what I could do. I told no one.
Amber knew at that point, she knew it was happening but also knew she could do nothing about it. So I suffered alone. Never opening my heart or my memories. And maybe if I had then things may have been different. Maybe if I had then he wouldn’t of done what he did and I wouldn’t have felt that blast piece of humanity slip through my fingers like the finest sand on the beach.
But it is too late for that now. Once it’s lost it’s not something you can easily replace or regather. And losing that last little piece of faith. That’s what broke me.
Please heal me, feel me, kill me, it's not easy
Never run from who you are, there's no one that can run that far
Better stick around and hold your ground
Under my bleeding heart
Norwich England
12 Years Ago
Just a kiss…
It was just a regular afternoon. The sun had gone down, it was a strange orange glow going through the Autumn sky. Most of my friends had gone home. Back to what they thought were tough lives and parents who didn’t “get” or understand them. It made me sick, listening to their complaints. Hearing them whine and cry because their parents couldn’t afford to buy them this or that. Listening to them moan on and on about how cruel they were just because they wanted them to contribute to the household.
If they only knew what real pain was, what real terror was. How it felt to do everything right but then get humiliation and pain as a reward. No one knew. I didn’t tell them, I didn’t let them in. I smiled and gave them all nods of understanding. A hug here and there. A show of support. But now here I was, avoiding home, sitting in a park with one of my best male friends Tommy. He was a great guy, a good friend. He never complained about his life but I knew why. I saw the bruises
His father used to beat him, hard. He once disappeared for a week and when we next saw him he was wearing long sleeved shirts in the middle of summer. He rolled his sleeve up once, and his entire arm was a dark blue.He was sitting there next to me on a swing, his wavey brown hair dangling down over his brown eyes. A small smile on his lips whenever he looked over at me. He knew something was up with me. He knew that like him I found our friends complaints to be comical. He knew I, like him felt real pain.
He was my friend, a person that I used to laugh with, talk with. When Tommy and I were alone we could be happy and ourselves. But there was still that wall. One neither of us were ready to try and get over and tell the other what we really went through. The sun had almost completely gone, the warm orange glow fading into a blue and black. I sighed heavily and Tommy knew I didn’t want to go. His hand reaching over to mine with a squeeze as if he was telling me it would all be alright.
I closed my eyes, I took a deep breath and I got to my feet.
As I want to walk away though Tommy kept hold of my hand. He pulled me back with a smile and into a hug. I held on to him tight. I didn’t want to leave and go back home. To him, to whjat I knew he wanted. After a few moments I swallowed hard and pulled away but then I felt it. Tommy’s lips met mine. He kissed me. My body shook and as I pulled away I shook my head. Why?. Why did he do that?
“Why did you do that Tommy?”
My voice was high and broke as I fought back tears. He went to apologise. He went to hug me again, I pushed him away and ran. I ran hard and fast. Looking back now I could of handled it better. I could of understood. But I was 11, the fuck did I know?. The only interaction I had like that always led to things I didn’t want. But that took the last little piece of heart I had left…
My heart lies bleeding in your hands
Time stops and turns around again
It doesn't matter what you say
It's what you do to me
