Post by Kayla Richards on Jun 12, 2017 1:27:08 GMT -5
Jealousy
The one who laughs last….
When i last left you people I had revealed the first time I knew something was wrong. The first vivid memory I had of a realisation that my father was not a good man. I was 5 turning 6. I was just a child and while I had other memories before that they were happy ones. Looked through the eyes of a child who had not yet lost her innocence. Rose tinted glasses as it were. At that age you can’t fully comprehend the things in front of you. And as I continue my story I want to make one thing perfectly clear to every single one of you.l
I am not looking for pity.
I am not looking to have my sins absolved because of the trials I have been through and the atrocities I was forced to endure. See I am not a product of my past. I am not a fragile little snowflake that was hurt and melted down till there was nothing left. No I am not a fucking victim. So if that is what you’re looking for, if you think this is a sob story told by someone who deep down just wants to be loved and accepted you can stop following me right now, turn your ass around and fuck right off.
As I continue this it’s to just give a glimpse of who I am. It’s too show why I am so strong and why I’m too be feared. I’m not like everyone else.Hell I explained it once before. You look at Coda. She feels very little. She is an unfeeling destroyer who is simple in her own creation who is a beautiful artist. I call the the savant of violence. Me?. I absolutely feel everything. I feel sadness, happiness, pain, sorrow, guilt. I know the difference between right and wrong.
I just don’t give a shit….
My sister grew up to hate her past, to blame every single little thing on our father. She blamed the abuse on him and blamed everything that came after. Even today as she sits happy and pregnant with her new husband Amber has said many times she’s lucky to have broken what she calls “the cycle”. Remember when I told you she walked a different forked path from me?. That is what I meant. She walked a righteous path where all her mistakes weren’t her own. She never took possession of them.
You see while Amber had the talent and ability to be a brutal badass bitch she never had the drive or lack of morality. She could break someone’s skull open but she never enjoyed it. That is where she and I differ. That is where I am perfect for Matthew Shields. I don’t blame anyone for my mistakes. I blame myself. I own them, I admit to them. I admit to a lack of understanding when I was younger….before I knew what he did...and I remember the day I first misunderstood and made the worst mistake…
“This is a battleground
I'm caught in the crossfire
My words are weaponry
And I'm waiting patiently
You win the battle now
But I will return the fire
Cause I'd crawl on broken glass
To be the one who laughs last”
Norwich England
16 Years Ago
“But he’s my daddy too”
Mother wasn’t home. She had gone out with Jackson and taken Tasmin with her. Amber and I were left in the house alone with him. I sat on the floor of our bedroom playing as Amber now 9 years old paced back and forth across the rug. I rolled my eyes and made noises as I played. Amber looked down at me catching my annoyance but she didn’t seem to care. I had no idea why she was so nervous. The events from that cold winter's night last year had all but faded from my memory. Part of me believed it was a bad dream and that it never really happened.
Ambers actions made me re-think it and I didn’t like that. I just wanted to forget it all. I wanted to forget our father in our room touching her, her hands gripping the sheets, our mother arguing with him, Jackson being hit, our mother being hit. Amber forcing me back into bed when I had a bad feeling that something was going on. All that stayed in my head because she wouldn’t let me forget. I just wanted her to sit down….
She paced again and looked towards the door swallowing hard as she heard his footsteps. A door closed, a few minutes later we heard the sound of the toilet flush, the tap turn on and his footsteps disappear back down the hall. I didn’t care I was in my own little world but Amber?. She seemed relieved. She finally sat down next to me indian style, crossing her legs over as she stayed with one eye on the door and the other on our game. We played happily. The clock ticking down as Amber kept looking towards it.
We laughed, we had fun and then it happened. The footsteps came towards the door. Amber turned her head, the doll in her hand shaking along as her body did. The door opened and our father stood there, his arms crossed over his chest. His deep brown eyes darting back and forth between Amber and myself. He hummed and put his finger to his lips before stepping forward, his hand reached out and came to rest on my head. He lightly stroked my hair and I sm,iled. Amber turned pale as her eyes darted back and forth between us. Our father whispered in my ear lightly.
He wanted to play a game, he said. One just between him and me. One where it was a secret just between us. I was excited, he never paid much attention to me. It was always Amber. Always perfect little Amber.
I stood up and followed him holding one of his fingers in my hand. But before we could get out the door Amber stepped in front. She shook her head and looked up at him. Our father smirked and tried to get passed. Amber begged and pleaded. She said I was special like she was. My heart raged, my anger caused me to shake. I didn’t understand. Why was she special and I wasn’t?. He reached out and ran a thumb over her lips before taking her with him, I tried to follow.
They went into the main bedroom and as I got to the doorway the door got slammed in my face. I look back on it now and I know what she was doing. I know that in her mind she was trying to save me. But the situation we were in. It was a ticking timebomb. She was delaying the inevitable. But what a fool I was….wanting what he was giving her….if I had only known. But jealousy is a powerful thing…..
