Post by Blair Kivisto on May 31, 2017 21:27:22 GMT -5
~After Effects: Off Camera - April 26, 2017~
The answer to everything crumbling around you is to make it worse. Always right? Already on a self-destructive path, why not keep it going? That was the thought process behind my decision this fateful night. Standing outside my destination I looked up to the sign that read Liberty or Death, a bar I frequented back in my hometown. Taking a deep breath I walked into the bar, pretty much aware that it wouldn’t be long before I was found, not really giving a damn at this point.
Walking up to that bar top I took a seat on one of the stools, ordering myself a double shot of vodka. Downing the drink quickly I took a moment to look around, not seeing very many people in the establishment. It wasn’t too surprising considering it was the middle of the day. It wouldn’t be until later tonight that they place would be packed with people. People celebrating their birthdays, enjoying nights out, celebrating anniversaries… Who knows really. I breathed out a sigh as I placed my elbows on the bar, placing my head in my hands. After a few moments, I heard someone come up behind me, the presence alone sent a shiver down my spine but I managed to maintain myself.
“Was wondering how long it’d take for you to show up.”
My voice came unphased, almost uninterested as each word flowed smoothly.
“So you were waiting for me then? Why?”
I pushed myself up from the bar and turned in my seat, looking up at the male I had expected to pop out of the woodwork as soon as he knew I was in town. My eyes landing up on my brothers as his own narrowed, wondering what the play was here.
“Why not?”
“You remember how last time ended right? Are you looking for a repeat? Trying to insure one of us gets what they want?”
“You win, Jason.”
He was taken back by my comment.
“What?”
“I’m done with the fighting. You’ve successfully managed to set off events that have done nothing but destroy my will to keep going… and I don’t just mean this last time. I mean every fucking time you decide to come back and bring this shit up. So do it Jase…”
I stood up from my seat, standing toe to toe with my brother. My eyes never leaving him, a hint of a challenge behind them. However, he didn’t seem as delighted as I figured he would by this news, instead he seemed a bit shaken.
“Do what, Blair?”
“Destroy me. Take me out, turn out the lights. Everything you’ve been threatening since this fucking started. I’m right here, no one’s coming to save me, I want this. End me, make me pay for whatever the fuck it was I did that started all of this.”
The look in his eyes turned to one that screamed confusion. I could tell he didn’t know what to think about this situation.
“I have damn near nothing left, why not take the last little bit that there is? Who better to do that then my big brother. Years and years you’ve tortured me… mentally, physically, emotionally… I’m done with this shit. Don’t tell me I came all this way to lure you out for nothing but disappointment.”
“No.”
His response was firm, the look he had going from confusion to concern, which threw me off a bit seeing it.
“Blair, are you okay? What’s going on?”
Now it was my turn for confusion to move onto my features.
“This was a stupid idea… I should have known you’d never be able to follow through with the threats. The only thing you were ever good at was kicking my ass… You were never going to kill me.”
I turned back to the bar and set some cash down on it before turning on my heel and heading for the door, only right before I hit my salvation a hand wrapped around my arm, holding me in place.
“Let’s talk… I know we’re not good at that but we were at one point. Let’s give it a shot.”
“It's a little late to be playing the part of the concerned older brother don't you think? Hell, from the way you've talked to me over the years I'm not getting anything I don't deserve right? I'm just that much of a shit person. No heart, no soul, no morals. This is what I deserve. All of it is what I deserve.”
I pulled my arm out of his grip, feeling tears well up in my eyes and at the moment I knew, this wasn't what I should have been doing. I wasn't in the right headspace for this but I was tired. I was so fucking tired of reliving this nightmare.
“I can't keep doing this with you. I know, I was a fucking shitty person when I first started. I did a lot of things I regret and I have to live with that but over the years… I've gotten better. You're still standing there, holding onto a grudge that started because of Andy. Defending fucking Andy over your little sister and look how amazing that worked out for you. At the end of the day it wasn't me that destroyed him and yet you keep this up and the most fucked part about it is… It's not possible for me to hold onto even the smallest amount of happiness… At least I can count on you coming around every few years to remind me how shitty I am.”
My voice broke slightly, the air catching in my throat as tears started to stream down my face. Jason looking at me purely shocked.
“Just end it… I'm done with this. I'm done being reminded of the crappy things I have done to people. I'm sick of people trying to pull me back into that version of me. If you have to kill me in order for you to let it go then, for fucks sake, put me out of my misery.”
I lowered my head, not being able to look at him anymore, raising a hand up to wipe the wetness from my cheeks. It didn't matter because more just came down and in this moment, all I can remember thinking is how broken I was and that's when something happened that caught me off guard. Jason moved forward and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug.
“I'm sorry sis…”
~Bitch’s Blog - A Somewhat Personal Entry~
The past few weeks had been strange, to say the least, I found myself reflecting on a lot of the shit I’ve gone through recently, a lot of the shit I've done in the past and I just needed some kind of source to let it out. Now, considering I'm putting this out there it may not be the best idea in the world but I'm pretty confident it won't be the shittest decision I ever made.
From a young age, I learned that if I didn't look out for myself and my siblings no one else was going to. Our mother left us, our father was an abusive drunk, all we had was each other and being the oldest sister I felt it was my responsibility to step into the mother role. I'd step in whenever he raised a hand to one of my younger sisters, most of the time leading to me taking the worst of it but the fact that they didn't take it nearly as bad was more than enough to ease the pain.
My oldest brother left home as soon as he was legally able to, leaving behind me and my sisters. Blain had left a year prior to when Jason left us… So there we were three girls against one man, our devil, our living nightmare, no end other than leaving in a body bag in sight. Luckily at least one of them came back for us, if it wasn't for Blain, the chances of me being here are slim to none. The chances of you all knowing the Blair Kivistö you see in front of you today are practically non-existent. The means in which he accomplished saving us were less than… Moral… But at least we made it out of that situation alive.
The thing that led me to the ring was my oldest brother. Hearing the news about ‘good ole dad’ he came back to take care of us. Teaching all of us how to defend ourselves and introducing us to this business. It should come as no surprise that this business is what damn near destroyed my family. Ripped it apart. I had a taste of freedom, no more having to play mommy to my two younger sisters, no more worrying about a drunk coming at me in the middle of the night. Just pure, fuck everyone else I'm looking out for me, a dose of freedom. It was better than any drug I ever could have imagined taking.
My new stance became ‘anything to get me ahead, fuck all the rest’. My brother nicknaming me The Number One Bitch around this time… This was also the time where I got my first taste of gold. An attitude like mine was then, with a title… Shit was bound to get out of hand. Everyone became a target, everyone I saw was a potential taker of my precious… Even my sisters.
Like I said, I've done a lot of things I look back on and shake my head… But I also realize you haven't fully grown into your own when you're a teenager or even in your early 20’s for that matter. The sad thing is, after the most recent dash of heartbreak I found myself wanting to be that person again. My care for anyone else started to abandon me. I barely made effort to go see my kids. I barely made effort to talk to my family.
My past is the reason I feel like I don't deserve certain things in life… I played with my first husband like he was a cat toy in the beginning stages of our relationship. It wasn't until I got pregnant that things became serious… That I started to change. This little life, depending on me, needing me to survive, my own flesh and blood… Not wanting to do it on my own I married Andy… 8 years off and on. We did everything you could imagine doing to someone that you don't care for to each other. To quote me from back when it officially ended…
‘We were one of the most explosive couples that ever graced the UWF, and when I say explosive I don’t mean so madly in love we took over... I mean we made tearing each other apart piece by piece a hobby. Though, it wasn’t just a hobby... we did it so much it was practically an art form. Whether I like to admit this or not, Andy is, the one person that has been able to do the most damage to me without lifting a finger and I don’t think it’s a far stretch to say he probably thinks the same thing about me.’
We tried to make it work for Jase's sake but at the end of the day… We had already done so much damage to each other, what would be the point of risking our son as well? We called it quits… I told him we was dead to me.. I took our child and never made an effort to look back. I'm the reason he has such a strained relationship with his son. This is what I mean when I say I'm a shit person… I took a child away from his father purely because I couldn't stand the sight of the man… But you know what? How many people would actually own up to that? Go back and try to make it right?
After Andy… I did a lot of things. My free time was mostly spent at home with my son, dodging the advances of my best friend... Or finding someone fun to play with for a bit of stress relief. One of those adventures are actually how I ended up meeting Xavier for the first time… Not a big deal then, I wasn't looking for serious and neither was he. Worked out pretty well, no real hurt feelings when he disappeared.
Shit happens, much like my marriage to Joey… Jesus fuck was that a mistake. Mostly because it was more or less about the pressure I felt of having to do it so I didn't lose one of the most important people in my life. Let's face it, after the hell that was Andy, does anyone really think I'd want to get married again?
I'm a sucker for punishment though, doing things that clearly aren't meant to last. Thinking for some reason a lifetime of happiness is possible for me. The first marriage I was pressured into by having a baby, the second I was pressured into by the thought of losing my best friend… The third… The third is the one that royally fucked me up. There was no pressure, I had no reason to say yes other than the fact I wanted to. Other than the fact that I was, for the first time in my life, totally and completely… And stupidly… In love. I wanted so badly to believe the forever was going to happen…
But once again that's not what fate had in mind… My luck isn't the best and sure enough… It ended. Leaving me a complete and utter mess. Leaving me yearning for the days where I was a heartless bitch… Almost causing me to revert back to what I had worked so hard to evolve into…
And then, things started to pick up. I found my fighting side again, I started going for the throat again. I did reconnect with that bitch but I did it in a way where I was able to channel all of my pain and emotions into something productive… Fighting. The ring and I did this while guarding myself against the advances that were being thrown my way… Because hey, newly single hot bitch, let's jump all over that.
The last thing on my mind was any kind of relationship. I had just had my heart ripped out of my chest, my stupidity got my partner fired… I wasn't looking for anything that had a possibility of making my life messy… Then…
He happened. Relentless in the pursuit, pushing all the right buttons… You know… I think I've shared enough. I'm not about to go into details about my current stuff… There are some things that should be kept private. However, I'll leave you all with this one thought…
If I've already been through this much shit and am still standing in front of you today, not a broken woman, not someone who's hooked on drugs and alcohol, but a woman that is still managing to hold it together, then what can anyone really throw at me at this point to take me down? I'm too strong, my will is too high if I've survived the shit storm that is my life… Good luck stopping me now.
‘What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.’
~Fin~
The answer to everything crumbling around you is to make it worse. Always right? Already on a self-destructive path, why not keep it going? That was the thought process behind my decision this fateful night. Standing outside my destination I looked up to the sign that read Liberty or Death, a bar I frequented back in my hometown. Taking a deep breath I walked into the bar, pretty much aware that it wouldn’t be long before I was found, not really giving a damn at this point.
Walking up to that bar top I took a seat on one of the stools, ordering myself a double shot of vodka. Downing the drink quickly I took a moment to look around, not seeing very many people in the establishment. It wasn’t too surprising considering it was the middle of the day. It wouldn’t be until later tonight that they place would be packed with people. People celebrating their birthdays, enjoying nights out, celebrating anniversaries… Who knows really. I breathed out a sigh as I placed my elbows on the bar, placing my head in my hands. After a few moments, I heard someone come up behind me, the presence alone sent a shiver down my spine but I managed to maintain myself.
“Was wondering how long it’d take for you to show up.”
My voice came unphased, almost uninterested as each word flowed smoothly.
“So you were waiting for me then? Why?”
I pushed myself up from the bar and turned in my seat, looking up at the male I had expected to pop out of the woodwork as soon as he knew I was in town. My eyes landing up on my brothers as his own narrowed, wondering what the play was here.
“Why not?”
“You remember how last time ended right? Are you looking for a repeat? Trying to insure one of us gets what they want?”
“You win, Jason.”
He was taken back by my comment.
“What?”
“I’m done with the fighting. You’ve successfully managed to set off events that have done nothing but destroy my will to keep going… and I don’t just mean this last time. I mean every fucking time you decide to come back and bring this shit up. So do it Jase…”
I stood up from my seat, standing toe to toe with my brother. My eyes never leaving him, a hint of a challenge behind them. However, he didn’t seem as delighted as I figured he would by this news, instead he seemed a bit shaken.
“Do what, Blair?”
“Destroy me. Take me out, turn out the lights. Everything you’ve been threatening since this fucking started. I’m right here, no one’s coming to save me, I want this. End me, make me pay for whatever the fuck it was I did that started all of this.”
The look in his eyes turned to one that screamed confusion. I could tell he didn’t know what to think about this situation.
“I have damn near nothing left, why not take the last little bit that there is? Who better to do that then my big brother. Years and years you’ve tortured me… mentally, physically, emotionally… I’m done with this shit. Don’t tell me I came all this way to lure you out for nothing but disappointment.”
“No.”
His response was firm, the look he had going from confusion to concern, which threw me off a bit seeing it.
“Blair, are you okay? What’s going on?”
Now it was my turn for confusion to move onto my features.
“This was a stupid idea… I should have known you’d never be able to follow through with the threats. The only thing you were ever good at was kicking my ass… You were never going to kill me.”
I turned back to the bar and set some cash down on it before turning on my heel and heading for the door, only right before I hit my salvation a hand wrapped around my arm, holding me in place.
“Let’s talk… I know we’re not good at that but we were at one point. Let’s give it a shot.”
“It's a little late to be playing the part of the concerned older brother don't you think? Hell, from the way you've talked to me over the years I'm not getting anything I don't deserve right? I'm just that much of a shit person. No heart, no soul, no morals. This is what I deserve. All of it is what I deserve.”
I pulled my arm out of his grip, feeling tears well up in my eyes and at the moment I knew, this wasn't what I should have been doing. I wasn't in the right headspace for this but I was tired. I was so fucking tired of reliving this nightmare.
“I can't keep doing this with you. I know, I was a fucking shitty person when I first started. I did a lot of things I regret and I have to live with that but over the years… I've gotten better. You're still standing there, holding onto a grudge that started because of Andy. Defending fucking Andy over your little sister and look how amazing that worked out for you. At the end of the day it wasn't me that destroyed him and yet you keep this up and the most fucked part about it is… It's not possible for me to hold onto even the smallest amount of happiness… At least I can count on you coming around every few years to remind me how shitty I am.”
My voice broke slightly, the air catching in my throat as tears started to stream down my face. Jason looking at me purely shocked.
“Just end it… I'm done with this. I'm done being reminded of the crappy things I have done to people. I'm sick of people trying to pull me back into that version of me. If you have to kill me in order for you to let it go then, for fucks sake, put me out of my misery.”
I lowered my head, not being able to look at him anymore, raising a hand up to wipe the wetness from my cheeks. It didn't matter because more just came down and in this moment, all I can remember thinking is how broken I was and that's when something happened that caught me off guard. Jason moved forward and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug.
“I'm sorry sis…”
~Bitch’s Blog - A Somewhat Personal Entry~
The past few weeks had been strange, to say the least, I found myself reflecting on a lot of the shit I’ve gone through recently, a lot of the shit I've done in the past and I just needed some kind of source to let it out. Now, considering I'm putting this out there it may not be the best idea in the world but I'm pretty confident it won't be the shittest decision I ever made.
From a young age, I learned that if I didn't look out for myself and my siblings no one else was going to. Our mother left us, our father was an abusive drunk, all we had was each other and being the oldest sister I felt it was my responsibility to step into the mother role. I'd step in whenever he raised a hand to one of my younger sisters, most of the time leading to me taking the worst of it but the fact that they didn't take it nearly as bad was more than enough to ease the pain.
My oldest brother left home as soon as he was legally able to, leaving behind me and my sisters. Blain had left a year prior to when Jason left us… So there we were three girls against one man, our devil, our living nightmare, no end other than leaving in a body bag in sight. Luckily at least one of them came back for us, if it wasn't for Blain, the chances of me being here are slim to none. The chances of you all knowing the Blair Kivistö you see in front of you today are practically non-existent. The means in which he accomplished saving us were less than… Moral… But at least we made it out of that situation alive.
The thing that led me to the ring was my oldest brother. Hearing the news about ‘good ole dad’ he came back to take care of us. Teaching all of us how to defend ourselves and introducing us to this business. It should come as no surprise that this business is what damn near destroyed my family. Ripped it apart. I had a taste of freedom, no more having to play mommy to my two younger sisters, no more worrying about a drunk coming at me in the middle of the night. Just pure, fuck everyone else I'm looking out for me, a dose of freedom. It was better than any drug I ever could have imagined taking.
My new stance became ‘anything to get me ahead, fuck all the rest’. My brother nicknaming me The Number One Bitch around this time… This was also the time where I got my first taste of gold. An attitude like mine was then, with a title… Shit was bound to get out of hand. Everyone became a target, everyone I saw was a potential taker of my precious… Even my sisters.
Like I said, I've done a lot of things I look back on and shake my head… But I also realize you haven't fully grown into your own when you're a teenager or even in your early 20’s for that matter. The sad thing is, after the most recent dash of heartbreak I found myself wanting to be that person again. My care for anyone else started to abandon me. I barely made effort to go see my kids. I barely made effort to talk to my family.
My past is the reason I feel like I don't deserve certain things in life… I played with my first husband like he was a cat toy in the beginning stages of our relationship. It wasn't until I got pregnant that things became serious… That I started to change. This little life, depending on me, needing me to survive, my own flesh and blood… Not wanting to do it on my own I married Andy… 8 years off and on. We did everything you could imagine doing to someone that you don't care for to each other. To quote me from back when it officially ended…
‘We were one of the most explosive couples that ever graced the UWF, and when I say explosive I don’t mean so madly in love we took over... I mean we made tearing each other apart piece by piece a hobby. Though, it wasn’t just a hobby... we did it so much it was practically an art form. Whether I like to admit this or not, Andy is, the one person that has been able to do the most damage to me without lifting a finger and I don’t think it’s a far stretch to say he probably thinks the same thing about me.’
We tried to make it work for Jase's sake but at the end of the day… We had already done so much damage to each other, what would be the point of risking our son as well? We called it quits… I told him we was dead to me.. I took our child and never made an effort to look back. I'm the reason he has such a strained relationship with his son. This is what I mean when I say I'm a shit person… I took a child away from his father purely because I couldn't stand the sight of the man… But you know what? How many people would actually own up to that? Go back and try to make it right?
After Andy… I did a lot of things. My free time was mostly spent at home with my son, dodging the advances of my best friend... Or finding someone fun to play with for a bit of stress relief. One of those adventures are actually how I ended up meeting Xavier for the first time… Not a big deal then, I wasn't looking for serious and neither was he. Worked out pretty well, no real hurt feelings when he disappeared.
Shit happens, much like my marriage to Joey… Jesus fuck was that a mistake. Mostly because it was more or less about the pressure I felt of having to do it so I didn't lose one of the most important people in my life. Let's face it, after the hell that was Andy, does anyone really think I'd want to get married again?
I'm a sucker for punishment though, doing things that clearly aren't meant to last. Thinking for some reason a lifetime of happiness is possible for me. The first marriage I was pressured into by having a baby, the second I was pressured into by the thought of losing my best friend… The third… The third is the one that royally fucked me up. There was no pressure, I had no reason to say yes other than the fact I wanted to. Other than the fact that I was, for the first time in my life, totally and completely… And stupidly… In love. I wanted so badly to believe the forever was going to happen…
But once again that's not what fate had in mind… My luck isn't the best and sure enough… It ended. Leaving me a complete and utter mess. Leaving me yearning for the days where I was a heartless bitch… Almost causing me to revert back to what I had worked so hard to evolve into…
And then, things started to pick up. I found my fighting side again, I started going for the throat again. I did reconnect with that bitch but I did it in a way where I was able to channel all of my pain and emotions into something productive… Fighting. The ring and I did this while guarding myself against the advances that were being thrown my way… Because hey, newly single hot bitch, let's jump all over that.
The last thing on my mind was any kind of relationship. I had just had my heart ripped out of my chest, my stupidity got my partner fired… I wasn't looking for anything that had a possibility of making my life messy… Then…
He happened. Relentless in the pursuit, pushing all the right buttons… You know… I think I've shared enough. I'm not about to go into details about my current stuff… There are some things that should be kept private. However, I'll leave you all with this one thought…
If I've already been through this much shit and am still standing in front of you today, not a broken woman, not someone who's hooked on drugs and alcohol, but a woman that is still managing to hold it together, then what can anyone really throw at me at this point to take me down? I'm too strong, my will is too high if I've survived the shit storm that is my life… Good luck stopping me now.
‘What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.’
~Fin~
