Post by JMav/JGold/RNorth/MKarloff on May 7, 2017 17:30:20 GMT -5
THE JEW BLAZER
With Regards to Adam West
With Regards to Adam West
Mild-mannered Joshua Goldstein sits alone in the Blazecave reading the first volume of the 'Batman 66' Comics and sipping on a glass of orange juice. SUDDENLY the red phone rings. It is super loud and it goes off while Josh is taking a drink causing him to cough and spit orange juice.
"Oh God it came out of my nose! The citrus! It buuuuuurns!" Joshua says as he wipes his nose with a tissue before blowing it to get all the pulp out. He grumbles a bit before rushing to the red phone.
"Commissioner Scott! No I will not stop calling you that! What's that? A Wrestling Match? Tonight? Repeat what you say to provide exposition for the viewers? Holy Hebrew, this sounds like a job for the Jew Blazer! I'll be there, Commissioner...but in the future you can just light the Blazer-Signal... what do you mean you threw it away?! It was NOT just a flashlight with a paper cutout of the star of David taped on the front........okay yes it was. GOTTA GO!" The Blazer says before hanging up. He rushes over to the fire pole in the middle of the room excitedly but then he realizes he was already in the Blazecave so he didn't have to slide down it to get here. Disappointed. He quickly runs out of the room and we hear him stomp up the stairs quickly before we see him slide down the fire pole back into the shot.
"Wheeeeeee!!!" Josh exclaims before jumping behind a curtain which he closes dramatically and through the magic of superheroic video editting he emerges one second later clad in the glorious spandex raiment of the Jew Blazer!
"Now I must get to the arena! Wait, how far away is this place?" The Blazer asks. He takes out his phone and the camera doesn't cut away nor does the exciting superheroic music cut out as he quietly opens google maps and enters a few things.
"2400 Miles away. That is...wow that is super not good. Good thing one of my superpowers is the foresight to pretape promos. TRANSITION TO BACKSTAGE!" The Blazer shouts.
"Gah! I blacked out during the transition! How did I get here? Am I on time? WHo are you people? Is the Earth still intact or did Apes evolve from men and take things over? YOU ANIMALS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DARN YOU!" The Jew Blazer shouts, falling to his knees in despair at the assumed overtaking of human society by ape men. The cameraman clears his throat and The Blazer realizes he is backstage at Sunday Night Glory.
"Oh hey! A camera guy! And he's not an Ape-man! I'm just going to assume I saved the day then. Good work, me!" The Blazer says. He stands, takes a moment to compose himself, then strikes a glorious superhero pose with his hands on his hips.
"Greetings citizens of Canadia. It is I, the Maccabee Marvel! The Semitic Superhero! Your Super best pal in all the land, The Jew Blazer! Ever since my best buddy Ronnie injured his back in an incident for an adult film he was participating in, I have shown that I am capable of handling myself in his absence! I toppled the villainous Danny Hall and with the assistance of RC Tucker was able to best the Monster Messiah as well as the legendary Rainbow Angel! How rad is that?" The Blazer asks, pausing as if he actually expects an answer. When he doesn't receive one after a long pause he continues.
"And now I am faced with an opponent as difficult to fight as it is to regularly state her whole name. Caroline O'Hara Burchill O'Malley is obvously a formidable opponent. She has one of those one-person belt thingies I want so much and all. I don't get that if I win but gosh it'd be so cool if I did win and then got to try and win hers or any of the other one-person belts!" The Jew Blazer says.
"It's uh... it's a singles title." Someone says from behind the camera.
"What's the difference?" The Blazer asks with the same enthusiasm.
"The way you say it sounds dumb." We hear.
"Wow! What an unnecesarily rude thing to say, Cameraman! It's okay. I know you didn't mean it!" The Blazer says with boundless positivity.
"Anywho! A victory over Caroline O'Hara Burchill O'Malley Mcgillicutty should raise my stock here considerably. Who knows, perhaps 2017 is not just the year where The Jew Blazer wins his first title....maybe he wins his first World Title and goes back to his old High School and rubs it in his old GYM TEACHERS FACE. I TOLD YOU CLIMBING THAT ROPE MEANT NOTHING MR. MCCLARTY!" The Jew Blazer says. He takes another moment to compose himself.
"The point is, I have absolutely no beef with Caroline O'Hara Burchill O'Malley Mcgillicutty John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. I'm not looking to make any enemies, I'm just here to show that I can hang with the big dogs. So, before things even have a chance to get there, I'm gonna tell you right of the bat, no hard feelings. I know you're feeling down because people think you need help to retain your title but cheer up! No title is on the line so let's just go out there and put on a good show for all the fans and after the natch whoever wins we should celebrate with a totally wicked jumping high five! The we can go get some poutine and hang out and watch Strange Brew and curling!" The Jew Blazer says.
"Uhm, isn't that a little culturally insensitive to Canadians?" The cameraman asks.
"Wait, that's not what EVERYONE does on a sunday night? Have you never had poutine? It's Fries smothered in gravy and cheese curds." The Blazer says.
"That sounds...pretty amazing actually." The cameraman says.
"It IS amazing! You know what forget about properly ending this promo. let's go get some poutine new friend! My treat!" The Blazer says.
"You know what? Sure. I haven't had lunch today." The cameraman says.
"That's no good! Three square meals a day is the true key to superheroism." The Blazer says before the camera cuts out.