Post by JMav/JGold/RNorth/MKarloff on Jul 2, 2017 20:06:21 GMT -5
THE WASHINGTON PENIS METAPHOR
"On July 4th, 1987 in Washington D.C., Johnathan Kennedy Fitzsimmons was born screaming in America." Johnny says. We cut to footage from five years ago, Johnny Maverick locked in battle with his younger brother Spyke Gein. The two hometown boys were destroying each other in a falls-count anywhere match that had spilled out onto the streets of our Nation's Capitol. There was no animosity between the two brothers, just a highly competitive spirit and a desire to show their hometown exactly who the hell they were. Johnny smashed his younger brothers face on the side of the Lincoln Memorial. An exchange of thunderous blows in the reflecting pool. It all ended with Johnny pinning his younger brother in the middle of the street and instantly being pulled off and placed in cuffs.
"You're gonna arrest me?! I'm the KING of DC, you fucking pigs!" Johnny shouts as he is stuffed into the back of a police car.
"The athletic commission, at the behest of Law Enforcement, since then banned me from competing in my hometown. Though I've been pretty successful I have always maintained my apartment here in Washington DC. It's an important place to me. Corruption permeates every pore of this place and that's exactly how I love it. I work best when I am surrounded by the Filth. I know I was born from it and am somehow better than it. Above all, I like being in the thick of things. There's a tension in the air here no matter which pointless egomaniac sits in the big white toilet. That tension has been heightened admittedly since the reality star has taken office. The FIRST president to not be informed about the secret shadow government that is actually in control for fear the idiot will tweet about it." Johnny Maverick says. He motions for his Hoodie Ninja to reposition the camera and when he does so we see he is standing in front of the Reflecting Pool, the Washington monument in the background.
"As I stand here in the shadow of this enormous penis metaphor, I can't help but be reminded of how awesome I am." Johnny says. He squints and holds his hands up to measure the length of the monument from a distance.
"Anyway, I've got my shot at the World Title lined up. That surprises a lot of people. Those people clearly aren't in possession of psychic powers as well as common sense. People have been sleeping on ole J-Mav and they've missed out on the greatest goddamn fighter who ever lived showing exactly how he earned that title. I didn't get it by popping on a pair of brass knuckles. Hey, here's a tip for all of you out there who don't like having a reputation for being a cheater: Maybe don't fucking cheat so much. Not talking to anyone specific. Nope. Not at all." Johnny says.
Johnny clacks his tongue a bit.
"I don't like taking this tone these days, but let me make something abundantly clear to Caroline O'Hara Burchill. I have forgotten more about this business than you've learned your whole career. For almost 12 years now I've shown that even without Psychic Powers I am the measuring stick for greatness in the wrestling industry. Again, probably a penis metaphor. But aside from being a Psychic Warrior I'm a pretty average guy. I put my pants on in the morning and say my prayers to Sensual Bear Jesus just like everybody does. What is my secret when it comes to being an amazing wrestler? I put in work, I train, and most importantly if I do something shitty? I own up to the fact and move on. In the heat of the moment I've played dirty to get a match won but I've admitted to the shitty things I've done in the past. Caroline could learn something from that. I don't have a stigma surrounding my career because I've shown I can get the job done with nothing but my skill and my fists. Maybe show us a little bit of that, huh? Johnny says. He chooses his next words carefully.
"And then there's Trixie. I'm not gonna say the thing everyone else says and bring up the idea of 'special treatment' because it's common knowledge Devvy is ramming his banana sausage into Trixie and as I have said in the past, Trixie has shown she can get it done in the ring and she never has her bf there wrestling matches for her so you know.....dumb. What I will say is that Trixie isn't exactly on top of the World at the moment. She's gonna convince herself she needs this win just as the world has convinced themselves that Captain Crunch is NOT a real person and he's been LISTENING TO YOU THROUGH YOUR CEREAL BOXES AND HIS CEREAL CUTS UO YOUR MOUTH SO IT CAN INFECT YOU WITH A POWERFUL NEUROTOXIN THAT IS MOST EASILLY ABSORBED THROUGH THE ROOF OF YOUR MOUTH. WAKE UP, AMERICA! Shit, sorry. Sorry. I've been studying my dads notes and.... man there is some really Earth-shatttering stuff in there. If you people only knew a FRACTION of what I did your brains would fold in half and shit themselves. Brain shits. Poop out of your brain. What the fuck was I talking about?" Johnny says, he thinks for a bit.
"Right! Johnny Maverick is back in DC, bay-bay! And for absolutely not the first time in my life I find myself between two hot blondes and just like every other time? They are going to end up exhausted and on their backs while I'm still ready to go for another few hours or so." Johnny says with a smirk.
"Should be one of many good chances I'll have to show off before my World Title match, I'm coming for you, Fuji. Get ready, cuz this ain't funny. The name is Jay Mizzle and I'm bout to get money. Sit, wrong song lyric. There's a super obvious one I'm missing. Hmmm....oh yeah." Johnny says with a smirk.
"YOU can't hurt me. Why? I'm Banned in DC." Johnny says. He whistles 'Hail to the Chief' as he walks offscreen and the camera zooms in on the Washington Monument before we fade out.