Post by JMav/JGold/RNorth/MKarloff on Jun 18, 2017 21:31:24 GMT -5
THE JEW BLAZER
JACK TILLMAN ISN'T GOING TO WATCH THIS PROMO
"Hello! Welcome to the Jew Blazer Crime Stopper Show! This is the show where we showcase the criminal behavior of some of the most dastardly supervillains to ever walk this Earth. In our last few episodes we discussed the insididious Doctor Destructo as well as our current President but this week we will be discussing a villain on the rise in Redemption and the heinous Jack TIllman." The Jew Blazer says ominously.
"But what has this man done to so swiftly rise up the rankings of the Criminal Elite?" The Blazer asks.
"Jack Tillman once farted so bad it killed a dog. He cried for days about it until his manager told him it didn't happen because Jack Tillman believes everything his manager has ever told him. He isn't going to hear any of this because the title of this promo is 'Jack Tillman Isn't Going to Watch This Promo' and he seems content to believe whatever the title of a promo is and has confirmed his status as Redemption Wrestling's....how do I put this Johnny?" The Jew Blazer asks.
"Hipster Douche." Johnny says off-camera.
"Yes, that. Apparently it isn't 'cool' to watch an opponents promos and to just make assumptions about them based on their titles. Such is the opinion of Jack Tillman: Farty-Pants Dog Killer." The Jew Blazer says.
"I didn't believe these accusations that have been levelled at Jack Tillman at first, then I received the following audio clip which has been confirmed through audio analysis to FOR SURE 100% be the actual Jack Tillman. Let us listen!" The Jew Blazer says.
"I'ma Jack-a Tillman! I kill-a dogs with-a my farts! It makes-a me super sad and I cry and cry!" A voice recording states in an Italian accent for some reason.
"Wow, chilling stuff. It's the kind of thing that makes you wanna throw your badge down and take out this scum off the books but fret not! I will not abandon my commitment to the rules! I will take him down in a wrestling match with the assistance of the capable Kayla Richards. Wait....I'm getting reports from my man-on-the-street Reporter that something terrible is happening! What do you have for us, Ronnie?" The Blazer asks. We cut to Ronnie north standing in front of a door with a sign on it reading 'JACK TILLMAN IS DEFINITELY IN HERE FOR REAL'. We hear behind the door the sounds of sad dogs, repeated farts, and loud crying in an Italian accent.
"Hi there, Ronnie North here at the scene. It seems that, not content with only killing one dog with his farts, Jack Tillman has locked himself in a room with many dogs and has gone on an insane Dog Fart Murder Spree. He seems to be crying about doing it the whole time which begs the question why? Why kill dogs with your farts if the act of doing so saddens you so much? Is he just following orders from a higher power?" Ronnie North asks. He stops speaking after an exceptionally loud fart.
"Why am I a-doing this? The poor little-a puppies!" The Italian accented Jack Tillman says inside the room.
"We have not been able to reach Jack's manager for comment but it is safe to assume that....wait. Do you hear that?" Ronnie asks.
"Oi! Crikey! I'm Chris Constantine and I'm also in the room killin dogs with me farts!" Chris Constantine says in the room with that thick Australian accent that he totallu actually has.
"Wow! In an amazing development, it seems that Chris Constantine is also in the room killing dogs with his farts! Who will put a stop to this dastardly duo as they continue in their puppy-murdering ways!?" Ronnie North exclaims.
"Wait, where are you Ronnie? I can put a stop to them!" The Jew Blazer says.
"I'm at the Wells Faro center in Philly! Quick! Someone light up the Blazesignal so the Jew Blazer will know to come and put a stop to these farting fiends!" Ronnie declares. We cut to a shot of outside the Wells Fargo center where a totally not photoshopped Star of David lights up the sky.
We cut back to the Jew Blazer.
"The Blaze Signal! Great Cheesesteaks I am needed in Philly!" The Jew Blazer says. He rushes out of the room and the camera follows him to the next room over where Ronnie North is waiting.
"Oh...wow that was fast." The Jew Blazer says.
"Yeah dude, I didn't know you had super speed." Ronnie says.
"Actually I think I may have just been right over there this whole time." The Blazer says.
"Oh, right. Wow. That's sort of embarassing." Ronnie says.
"Sometimes I get so excited about stuff that I forget where I am. Like, I got sent the cutest video of Red Pandas playing earlier today and I forgot that I was driving. I mean, everyone's okay and everything, but there's a valuable lesson to be learned here." The Jew Blazer says. We cut to the Blazer out of costume sitting in a directors chair in a blank room.
"Oh hi, I'm Josh Goldstein. I play the character of the Jew Blazer on popular soap opera 'Redemption Wrestling'. Now we have a lot of fun here but I want to assure you all that watching videos of Red Pandas is NO laughing matter. It is highly addictive and has lead to more auto accidents than both banana peels and turtle shells combined. EVEN THE BLUE ONES. So remember, when you get in your car DON'T watch videos of Red Pandas. They are too cute and you'll run into people. Thanks for your time and drive safe out there." Josh says.
We cut back to the Jew Blazer and Ronnie North, now both wearing gas masks.
"Right! We're ready! On the count of three we are going to put a stop to those evildoers! One...Two...THREE!" The Blazer says. He and Ronnie open the door to find the room empty.
"Oy Vey! I feel like I can still smell them through the gas mask!" The Jew Blazer says.
"They must have escaped while you were doing your PSA." Ronnie says.
"Don't knock the Red Panda PSA! That thing is already saving millions of lives!" The Blazer says,
"Well what do we do now?" Ronnie asks.
"My sources have told me that Jack Tillman is going to be in the ring for a match tonight!" The Blazer says.
"Aren't you going to be in that too?" Ronnie asks.
"Well if I wasn't before I certainly will be now! For all dogs everywhere! I strike at thee, Tillman! Let's Blaze!" The Jew Blazer says before bolting out of the room.
