Post by JMav/JGold/RNorth/MKarloff on Jun 4, 2017 15:51:14 GMT -5
SHOWS US HIS BUTT
Static cuts through your regularly scheduled programming and we find Johnny Maverick.
"-just saying I don't give a fuck what she says, if you got a hot grandma you have to expect I'll flirt a little bit. I mean, I have a girlfriend now but if I didn't I could totally see knocking the cobwebs off. Get it? I'd be knocking the cobwebs off of her pus-" Johnny says. We hear someone offscreen say 'We're on.' and Johnny turns wide-eyed to face the camera.
"Right uh..." Johnny says, clearing his throat.
"Greetings Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Neighbors, fellow vibrations in the mind of the one true God whose name is Love. It is I, the Psychic Warrior, the Sexual Diplodocus, A third nickname, Johnny Maverick. Coming to you live from the Mind Palace if you use a broad definition of the term 'Live' that also includes 'pre-recorded' but it was live when it happened which is right now for me. Apologies if my infallible logic has blown your mind out of your urethra. That would utterly wreck your penis. Sorry about your brain-mangled penis." Johnny says. He steps to another part of the set of The Mind Palace where a picture is hung up on the wall.
"This is my ass." Johnny says, Sure enough, the picture on the wall is a large photograph of a well-sculpted male butt.
"My ass is incredible. You'll never see a better ass on the Redemption roster. Homophobic straight men are looking at this ass right now thinking 'Well a few beers and a back massage and I'd be all about that.' Man, Woman, Trans, whatever. You see this ass and you know you've seen something special. You could put this ass on a family Christmas card and no one would complain. There are folks out there right now reaching out to put their hands on the tv just hoping to actually feel for even a second like they got to touch this amazingly sculpted turd-cutter." Johnny says. Johnny takes a moment to look at the picture and smiles like a proud parent.
"Now I bet a few of you who hate fun are wondering 'Johnny, you handsome puckish rogue. Why are you showing us your glorious tushy?' and honestly I remember there being a reason for it but I am totally lost in the glory of my own amazing booty. Hang on." Johnny says, He takes a moment to take out a notebook that seems to be full of mad scribblings and drawn illuminati symbols. Johnny clacks his tongue a bit.
"Right! This is a beautiful and perfect money maker. Anyone with eyes can tell you that but what if I told you I could use this perfect ass as a metaphor for my career? You don't believe me? Gosh, you're a terribly imperceptive person. Also, stop talking to your television. Weirdo." Johnny says. He loses track of what he's talking about for a moment before he turns around and sees the big picture of his ass.
"So, when you see an ass like his you'd probably think 'This is the king of all asses and clearly it should be an award-winning ass.' and you'd be right. Clearly this ass is superior to all the other asses and should be a world champion ass BUT there is an issue. One simple imperfection has made this ass undesirable. A dingleberry." Johnny says. He takes a small brown sticker and puts it on the picture of his ass. The sticker is a small brown printout of Danny Hall's face.
"For those of you who don't know, a dingleberry is a small bead of shit that gets tangled and dries in the hairs near your butthole. The sight of one of them attached to a perfect ass can ruin your day and ruin any chance the perfect ass has of being seen as the best ass in the World. Are you getting this yet, Danny? Do you see how this tiny, insignificant little lump of poo is ruining things? This beautiful badonkadonk should be doing SO MUCH right now but it's life has been preoccupied by this LITTLE. PIECE. OF. SHIT." Johnny says, his eye twitching.
"Danny Hall beat me once years ago while I was nursing a neck injury and it's all he's been able to talk about since. He keeps saying me being injured isn't an excuse but now he's on twitter saying that it's unfair management keeps beooking him because he's injured? Danny, how about you put your balls in your ass and clench yourself castrated. You're pre-loading excuses for your imminent destruction and that's fine. I'm not even going to enjoy beating the hell out of you because in the back of my mind I know I should be doing bigger things than this. You made this feel like work to me. This job has never felt like work before. I certainly hope you are proud of yourself, you've made my job less fun. Devlin said I'm getting a title shot if I beat you. Damn straight I am. After realizing the mistake he made he's probably baking me a cake right now. With buttercream frosting. HINT HINT DEV." Johnny says, winking at the camera. He sure would like some cake.
"Johnny finally gets to move on to bigger and better things, whether it be the New Gen Championship, the Genesis Title...or maybe I get to try my hand at Regicide and fuck Matthew Shields up? Doesn't matter. I am SO READY to move on to the next thing. Maybe address this weird crush Trixie has on me. I mean, if she didn't have one before....now she's seen my butt." Johnny says. He takes the Dan-gleberry sticker off of the picture of his butt so it's back to it's unmarred glory. It really is just a wonderful butt.
"I've got my scissors ready folks. It is time to snip the dingleberry." Johnny says, holding up a pair of scissors.
"Psychic Warfare is real, Toronto." Johnny says, snipping the scissors a few times before the feed is cut.
