The Jew Blazer- I Have No Mouth (And I Must Promo)

It is the day of the Games, all of the Gladiators honed their weapons and the mages prepared their spells.

The King sits high and mighty atop his throne, looking down on all of the peasants. He surrounds himself with capable individuals to defend him, keeping any who seem threatening to him away.

Save for the Jester. For what threat is the lowly Jester? The Jester is no threat to the God-King. The Jester can get as close as he wants.

The King is so busy scoffing at all of the peons that he doesn't notice the Jester get behind him, his dagger drawn...

"Holy shit. He rolled a 20." Johnny the Human Fighter says.

"What?!" the DM asks, looking over his fold-out wall.

"Roll to confirm." Martin the Teifling Necromancer says, his hand on the thigh of Xaria the beautiful Half-Elf Healer.

Josh picks his dice back up and shakes it in his hand a bit before rolling. 18. That confirms.

"Damage! Roll damage M'sieur Josh!" Xaria says, nearly hopping over the table to look at his rolls. She was only just learning the game but was getting super into it. Every eye was on him. Josh grabbed his d6 and 2d4 and rolls. Max damage. Josh silently celebrated, so happy he had taken a few levels of Rogue so he got the backstab ability.

"So with backstab and critting and...I think sneak attack stacks with backstab and....wait this is the dagger we got from the Lowlands quest right? It ignores armor?" Martin says. Everyone relied on him when the numbers came into this. Joshua just nods, unable to speak due to his jaw being wired shut.

"What's the damage, Spooky?" asks Kaylee the dark elf Rogue as Martin crunches the numbers of all of the buffs and boosts Josh had. Martin writes a number down on a post-it and hands it to the DM, who adjusts his glasses.

"Well, I had much more planned for this session but uh..." The DM says, looking over the sheet he had made for the King.

"Did...did our Halfling Bard just one-shot the King?" Ronnie the Human Monk asks.

"Yup. King didn't see him as a threat and got his shit rocked." The DM says.

"Holy BALLS. Wait, Johnny how did you know to give Josh that dagger?" Ronnie says. Johnny puts a hand on his temple, what has become his universal hand signal for 'Because I'm Psychic'.

"Right. Remind me to start wearing a tinfoil headband around you. Now then if that's the end of the game...I think our amazing Bard deserves to be rewarded. I think perhaps he will be sharing a room with the Rogue at the Inn?" Kaylee says. draping her arms around Josh and purring into his ear.

"Jeez, let's get out of here before she starts tearing his clothes off." Ronnie says. Everyone quickly puts their dice and character sheets away save for Josh and Kaylee...

________________________

A few days later and we find ourselves at Josh's New York Apartment. The Blazecave is adorned with all of the usual posters and video games and comic books along with The Jew Blazer who releases some very heroic muffled mumbling noises.

"Joshie your jaw is still wired shut, no talking." Kaylee says. Josh grumbles and grabs his whiteboard and dry erase markers, quickly writing on it before showing Kaylee that it read 'THEN HOW PROMO?'

"Well I mean, you could find someone to interpret what you're trying to get across...and who better than your best friend?" Ronnie North says, stepping into frame.

"How about his fiance?" Kaylee says, folding her arms and glaring at Ronnie.

"I've known him longer than you." Ronnie says. This seems like it's about to turn into an argument so the Blazer quickly writes on his whiteboard 'WORK 2GETHER' and shows it both of them.

"Work to get her? To get who?" Ronnie asks.

"That's 'together' you walking herpe." Kaylee says. The Jew Blazer shakes the board for emphasis.

"Right. One Jew Blazer promo coming up!" Ronnie says. He clears his throat and starts to speak but Kaylee covers his mouth.

"Welcome to the Blazecave, hideout of the handsome Maccabee Marvel known as the Jew Blazer. It is in this lair that The Jew Blazer is plotting to beat his opponent this week, the Dastardly Supervillain known as King Shields. Contrary to his name, Shields seems to have his guard down and the Hebrew Hercules is looking to capitalize." Kaylee says before folding her arms boastfully before looking at Ronnie with a gloating smirk on her face. The Blazer offers up a little bit of applause.

"Yeah yeah... The Jew Blazer possesses the speed of Wally East-"

"West."

"Direction last names are hard to remember!" Ronnie says. The Jew Blazer gives him an odd look.

"Wanna run that one by us again, Mr. North?" Kaylee asks.

"...The Speed of Wally West, The Willpower of Hal Jordan, and when you see this boy flip and jump around? You're gonna be shocked a dude with a flat top and 'stache won't be demanding pictures of him for the front page of the Daily Planet." Ronnie says, he takes the same confident pose. The Blazer taps on Ronnie's shoulder to get his attention and mimes playing a horn.

"Oh...right! And after he beats you he's gonna make you suck his dick!" Ronnie adds. The Blazer is shocked and grabs his whiteboard. He writes quickly before showing Ronnie that he had written 'Superman=Daily Planet Spidey=Daily BUGLE'.

"Oh... what does that have to do with him sucking your dick?" Ronnie asks. Kaylee rolls her eyes,

"All this talk of The Blazer living in a 'fantasy land' is cute coming from a guy who talks like he's selling cheaply made swords at a huge mark-up at the Renaissance Faire but long story short The Jew Blazer is coming and he will do ANYTHING to beat you in the name of Justice, no matter how underhanded or how distracted the ref has to be." Kaylee says, JB shakes his head and starts writing on his Whiteboard.

"Yeah! And to get inside your head? He's gonna fuck your girlfriend before the match!" Ronnie adds, the Blazer writes faster before showing them the whiteboard.

'That's what YOU guys do'

"Oh...yeah I guess you're right." Kaylee says.

"We really shoulda got the psychic guy for this."

"He flew back home."

"Ah...anyway...uh....whatever the Jew Blazer's catchphrase is! Promo over!" Ronnie says. The Blazer frustratedly drops his marker and whiteboard and walks offscreen.

"I think we really captured his essence." Ronnie says.

"We pretty much nailed it." Kaylee adds before the camera cuts out.