Johnny Maverick- Psychic Hotline

Static. It starts with loud disruptive static before that interrupts our regularly scheduled programming before giving way to an image of a red desk in a red room. Inside this room the walls and desk are adorned with what seem to be dozens and dozens of phones, all ringing loudly. Johnny Maverick walks in and sits behind the desk and starts talking but we can't hear him over the phones. He looks offscreen, acknowledging someone who is frantically waving at him to try and get his attention, when Johnny realizes why he chuckles a bit before placing a hand on his temple and concentrating for a moment, causing all of the phones to stop ringing.

"Ha, mind powers are rad. Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Neighbors, and fellow vibrations of the one true God whose name is Love. We are here in what I have decided to call 'The Mind Palace' which is a public access television station that may or may not exist in my mind. You ,the viewer, may be able to inform me later if this actually happened or not but I won't be able to tell if you are real, a figment of my imagination, An intentional hallucination induced by chemtrails, or perhaps a pawn of the Lizard Men whose scaly claw-hands are wrapped threateningly around the throat of the wrestling industry. I of course am speaking metaphorically as I am aware the wrestling industry does not have it's own body much less a literal throat to be choked by the very real Lizard people as only a crazy person would think such a thing." Johnny says. He slams a book on the desk and flips to a page without looking down at the book at all, then tosses the book aside.

"My day planner has informed me that the purpose of this episode of whatever this is is to answer calls from my psychic hotline. No no, you can all put your credit cards away because all of these phones? They're not actual phones. They are mental constructs of my mind that I have allowed you to see. These phones each represent my direct psychic link into the minds of individuals. Many of them are Redemption Wrestling superstars, some of them are people who I see in my life outside of the ring, and that one over there made out of dog shit and chewed bubble gum is what connects me to Danny Hall. I never use that one as I'm afraid it would reveal Danny's true sordidly erotic feelings about me and I would be forced to surrender my psychic powers forever to keep from ever finding anything like that out ever again. Fuck Danny Hall and his Dirty Whore Mom. Moving on!" Johnny says, announcing he is moving on with a dramatic pointing upward hand gesture.

"So, I figured let's take a moment to listen to the inner thoughts of the Redemption roster! I certainly hope I get more this time than usual. Mostly it's just people, Male and female, voicing how attracted they are to me which I don't really have any issue with so long as they aren't Danny Ha-" Johnny says, interrupted by one of the phones ringing. Johnny casually picks the phone up and answers it.

"You've reached the Johnny Maverick Psychic Hotline, give us a moment and one of our psychic representatives will be right with you." Johnny says. He holds his cell phone up to the other phone and plays elevator music into it for 30 straight seconds which may not seem like much but holy balls that's a long time when you're watching something on tv. Mercifully, Johnny stops the music and tucks his cellphone away into his jeans pocket before placing the Psychic Phone back to his ear.

"Hello this is your Official Psychic Representative speaking. You can call me Jizzle Mizzle" Johnny says,

"That doesn't sound like a very Official name." the voice on the other end says. We can hear it though. Probably a psychic thing.

"You might not be real." Johnny responds. There's a long pause.

"That's fair. Okay Jizzle Mizzle. I cheated to beat a wrestler that was definitely better than me." The voice says. It sounds like the voice of a sniveling coward.

"Hmmm... my psychic instincts are giving me the letters 'A' 'M' and the letter 'I' three times." Johnny says, rubbing his temple like psychics do.

"Yes, those are my inititals! Wow, you really are psychic. It's a good thing the Illuminati gave me that skull implant so you wouldn't be able to tell I was going to cheat to beat you otherwise I would've never had a chance given that you are clearly the superior athlete and overall a better looking man. Sometimes I think about what would happen if the two of us maybe got a few drinks and went back to your place an-" The cowardly voice says. The voice sounds totally different than the person it belongs to because your brain voice sounds different than your normal voice and not at all because this was actually Joshua Goldstein reading from a script that Johnny wrote for him doing a snivelling coward voice.

"Slow your roll there. I'm looking into your future...I'm seeing the initials 'GG' being a big part of your life and them leading to your utter embarassment. And if I can take a moment to say something mature and serious about what his lead to your cheating ways and terrible attitude... You probably have a super tiny weiner. YOU DUN BEEN PSYCHIC'D! BOOM!" Johnny says before slamming the phone down on the receiver. Another phone rings and Johnny rushes over to it.

"Psychic Hotline, this is is Jeezy Meezy. Talk to me." Johnny says as he picks it up.

"Hey Johnny, Look I used that ointment you gave me and the rash is still there. I'm really starting to think that Thai chick was like patient zero with some sort of super strain of disease because now this thing that smells like cottage cheese on my-" The voice says.

"Uh...Ronnie? I'm on camera right now and this is being broadcast. Like...everyone can hear this." Johnny says,

"Uhm...I'm not Ronnie North! Who's he?" The voice responds.

"I didn't say his last name was North." Johnny adds. Then all we hear is nothing as he clearly hung up.

"This...this isn't one of the psychic projection phones. I think this one is real. Throw it away, I feel dirty." Johnny says. He hangs it up and takes out a bottle of hand sanitizer, liberally applying some to his hands and rubbing it in as two Hoodie Ninjas come in and take the phone away.

"Alright, I think I've got time for one more caller...." Johnny says right before a phone rings. He walks over and picks it up.

"Hello, this is the Psychic Hotline, J-Mavs speaking!" Johnny says.

"Who?" The caller asks.

"Pretending to not know who I am is the oldest condescension trick in the book Mister.....Pursuit is it? No no...Chase." Johnny says to the person on the other end who, again, is not Josh doing a silly voice at all. Promise.

"Well I have more experience than you do so I figured..." the caller says.

"You have over 12 years of wrestling experience?" Johnny asks, raising an eyebrow.

"I do." The caller says confidently.

"Rad! How many World Titles have you won? I've won four so far but you must have won SO MANY." Johnny asks, taking a sip from a cup of coffee in a super humble way,

"I uh...well none of them have 'World' in the title per se..." our caller admits.

"Ah, wow. This must be embarassing for you."

"Thoroughly."

"Right, anything else?" Johnny asks. We hear a dial tone signifying that 'Mister Chase' had hung up.

"Well unfortunately that's all the time we have for Johnny Maverick's Psychic Hotline, the only show whose title I have seemingly changed four times over the course of one episode. I'm sure we'll work out the kinks if I do another one. I dunno, we'll see how this pans out. Remember folks that psychedelic drugs are a great way to access your pineal gland and potentially unlock your psychic powers and as always remember....Psychic Warfare is Real." Johnny says. He gives the audience a toast with his coffee mug before the feed is cut.